Just Like My Mother

You've asked and I've answered, never fully in truth, not just to you but also to myself. Mother's day doesn't actually affect me, nor does her birthday passing, or any other date like that. It does draw more attention to the day in and day out missing her, the feelings I often push so far down, and give little light too. It isn't that I don't want to think of her, in fact lately I think of her more often than not, but it still hurts, and I had to allow myself to know it was okay that it still hurts. So, yes, I answered you I am fine when mother's day comes around, because I am, but also I miss my mom fiercely everyday.

I think one of the reasons I have missed her most more recently, it is so easy to see my mom in my sisters. To see the way they parent, the way they love their children, to see the logic they use in their decision making. It is easiest to see it in my sister Kaity, who shares the same heart that my mother had, similar looks, and a voice that is more similar than most of ours. Growing up, I was always told I looked like my mom, and I can thank the blonde hair, blue eyes, and ever tanning skin for that. But as I have gotten older, I have found it harder to see where I have things in common with the mamma who prayed for me, loved me, and raised me. That's not said to gain sympathy, rather a fact of where I have been, and in part probably because I only got to know my mom as a thirteen year old girl and there was so much left to learn. In the last couple of years, I have began searching who my mother was, the woman she was before she had children, the one who led with fierce strength, the one who would do anything for her child. It has been a journey, but one I am thankful to be able to know. I may not learned of my mom's strengths and trials from her alone, but rather from stories passed down, or observations of the way others carry her legacy on, but I have been learning and for that I am thankful.

Now a days, I tend to look like a fairly solid mix of my mom and dad, though my blue eyes give way to my mom's beauty, and I am outgoing and love meeting new people, which tends to be more of my dad's character, so how do I reflect my mom? The one thing I learned through everything about my mom, no matter what she faced and she faced a lot in her too short life, she faced it with strength. If you had asked me even just six months ago if I had internal strength I think I would have said no, but my mom knew different, even from when I was young. I have found in my time here that I have a personal strength that I didn't think was possible, that facing tasks whether small or large I am able to deal with them, that strength was learned from my mom. My ability to publicly speak and tell stories (sorry dad, you aren't great at story telling) comes from my mom, who could make you weep by applying simple stories to life's greatest questions. Although my outgoing personality tends to side with my dad, my quick wit and sense of humor comes straight from my mom. My mom wasn't someone who gave away her belly laughs easily, but when you earned one you felt pride, and for that I thank her. But for me I think the biggest thing I have gotten from my mom is the ability to love those who feel unloved. My mom taught with her life, how to show true empathy, and because of that and those skills she taught so naturally, I am able to do what I am doing here in India. Lately, it's true I have felt left out as my sisters are compared to my mom, mostly because I love her so much I want nothing more than to emulate her, but even though I only had her for a short period I was given so much. I know that a mother's work is never done and even though she isn't here physically to keep teaching, I know through others as well as through the characteristics I picked up with out realizing it will show more and more as my life goes on. I am thankful that I had a mom who I want to emulate and I am thankful that I have woman in my life who continue to show me strength, and humor, and love, because without all the woman in my life I wouldn't be where I am today.

As a side note, I hope that wherever you are this mother's day, whether you are celebrating or grieving, whether you are surrounded by loved ones or you are all alone, I hope you know to someone - whether by birth or by circumstance you are a leader, someone who is teaching younger girls their worth, their strength, and their capabilities, keep on teaching, someday they will remember who taught them!

****also, sorry this is terribly written, just some thoughts I have been having as I think about today and what it means to so many.****

The Sickness That Never Ends...Until It Does!

As many of you know, about 2 months back, I got super sick over about a five day period. I had a high fever, bad abdominal cramps and was worried about dehydration and such. Thankfully, that ended and all was well in my world again. Unfortunately since then I have had couple day periods where I would not feel great, not as bad as before, but not well at all. Finally, last week after 3 long days in the heat with not a ton of water or food, I started to feel ill again. It persisted for about 5 days and I decided to see a doctor. He was super sweet, and kind but chalked it up to dehydration, which I felt was a symptom at this point not the cause. The next day I went to a hospital here to seek more answers. After navigating my way through registering, waiting, paying, and getting tests done, the doctor felt like he knew what was going on. I was scheduled the next day for a colonoscopy (which I didn't expect to have until I was old and definitely not in India) and a gastroscopy. Both went very smoothly and were done with no issue. Today I went to meet with my doctor again and get some medicine to begin treating me. It seems that I have colitis, which is common in western countries and young caucasians, and I was lucky enough to get it. I have started some medications to calm this flare up to even out and hopefully in a week will be on a regular med schedule. I have to meet with my doctor once more next week to review the biopsy report from the tests yesterday, where hopefully we can understand what type of colitis this is, whether it is an issue of a parasite I had before, or because of genetics and it's ulcerative. I wanted to wait until I had some answer to share this all with you. This has been a really tough last two weeks, and I know God has a lot to teach me through it. I just ask that you would continue to keep my health in prayer, I feel useless being at home in bed and I am getting bored, pray we find the right meds, give the doctor continued wisdom, and mentally just pray that this no longer has a hold on me and my call here. Thank you so much for supporting me and loving me, and joining me on this adventure! <3

The Countless Things I Have Learned

Friends, it has been too long since the last time I wrote and for that I am sorry. Time has this weird way of slipping through my fingers, while some days feel they may never end. On that note, I looked at an app on my phone and it told me I have been in India for 109 days, which is 1/3 of my time here! How that happened, I have honestly no idea!

I often don't feel like I have a ton to say and that has a part of why I don't write, this city I live in, though exotic and different then anything I have ever known, has quickly become my home and my life, and so day to day has a rhythm similar to living anywhere in the world, I think. But since we are at such a big time mark regarding my length of stay here, I thought I would share some things I have learned in my short stay so far!

1. Squatty potties are easily used once you understand the art form.

2. Light skin and light hair, will make almost all babies here cry.

3. I love spicy food, and even more I love eating it with my hands! (Rice and all, I may eat pasta with my hands eventually!)

4. The car horns, although loud and overwhelming, actually have a meaning most of the time, and it's not something that can be taught you just have to pick up what each blast means. It sounds tricky, but really you understand it quicker than you'd think.

5. I don't need McDonald's french fries in my life, or really any fast food or fountain soda.

6. "Designer" pizza (domino's, pizza hut, etc.) will give you the taste of home if you need it.

7. There are certain days where it's okay to spend way more than you normally would on groceries, in order to have vermont cheddar cheese, and sour cream.

8. I crave red meat more than I thought I did at home.

9. I can banter and bobble my head with the auto's with the best of them.

10. I have way more inner strength than I ever thought possible.

11. God is so much closer than I ever gave Him credit for.

12. My family and support system is so much stronger than I ever believed it to be.

13. My personal worth is being found daily.

14. Family are the people you surround yourself with and who support you, blood or not.

15. I still love this country as much as the first day I arrived, though I still get frustrated some days.

16. Just because this is God's will for my life, doesn't make it easy, in fact I struggle often.

17. Through the struggle I have grown so much.

18. Missing home is something that never goes away, but eventually you find a way to realize that where you are is your home.

19. Don't drink the tap water...or eat at a restaurant your instincts say no to, believe me I found out the hard way.

20. Always bring toilet paper with you, otherwise you can use the sprayer or wiggle = ]

So this is a glimpse of some of the things I am learning about myself, about my surroundings, about my abilities and my weaknesses, and although I feel like I have learned a ton I know I still have so much more to learn.

Since my last update, Kaitlyn visited which was amazing and so awesome to have someone see my life here and to have a glimpse of what it's like. I traveled to Kerala, and stayed on a house boat which was so amazing, have been working, building relationships, and planning Shawna's visit in July! Things are going over all well! I would just ask that you pray for our team, we are very over extended in work and need some positions filled. I ask for prayer in our office as our field office director gets ready to leave and our new one gets ready to take over. Personally, just pray for my health I have had some stomach issues and such, and also just for this period of time in general. This 3 and 4 month mark often are the time of struggling and I can definitely sense it a bit, not wanting to return home but I am restless a bit, and definitely feel some spiritual stuff. And finally just pray for travel, over the next few months I will be traveling all over India and Asia, so as I prepare and go, just for logistics and safety. I miss you all and love you tons!

A Constant Struggle

I went on a rescue. That's how this struggle began. I expected to feel things being on a rescue, to have a front row seat to peoples hurts. I didn't expect to walk away questioning myself so much. Let me explain. See, part of a rescue is about ten minutes that the laborers have to pack all their belonging. It's not like they have a ton of personal things. I knew this part would come, where we would quickly help pack up the lives of those being rescued in pursuit of freedom on the other side. For most this is the first time they are meeting us, and they are so excited at being helped that there is little question, just anxious packing. And in the middle of this scene it hits me, oh my gosh they just packed their whole life in a few bags in a couple of minutes. There were so many things stirring inside of me, and I had to take a step back and tell myself to process it later.

It's been about 5 weeks since that day, where I watched men and woman decide whether a plastic broken jug was worth the extra space, or the rusted pan was worth the weight. It's been about 5 weeks since my chest tightened and I was overwhelmed with emotions to big for myself to carry or understand. It's true, I was overwhelmed by how little and how easy it was to pack up their lives. I caught myself feeling sad for them, and realized that at the opportunity for freedom, from people they don't know, was worth leaving behind the unnecessary in order to have a better life. This quickly turned personal, and was no longer about the laborers themselves, but rather what this looked like for myself.

Every day since I have learned who Christ is, which has been the majority of my memory filled life, I have had the opportunity to live in a life of freedom. Christ has offered me daily to leave behind my broken jugs, and rusted pans, in order to live a more fulfilling life in freedom. But have I chosen that route? Have I lived as though I am in freedom? Have I left behind the things that were holding me back from the other side? I thought so, had you asked me 3 months ago if I unlike the rick young ruler, had given up everything to live for Christ, the answer would have been a huge resounding YES! I have given up my life, my comfort, my friends, my family, etc. Until I got here and I realized how dependent on those things I truly was. Now I see that maybe I am more like the rich young ruler than I ever thought.

I would rather hold onto my broken jug, or a relationship than take Christ up on His offer of freedom. I would rather keep my rusted pan, or "control" over my life than have the treasure I am promised in heaven. As these thoughts started right as lent was starting, I decided to make this part of my Lenten journey. Instead of giving up some sort of food, or something like that, or add a new bible study, and feel guilt over the fact I failed multiple times, or feel like I had to participate, I made it my goal to spend lent preparing myself to accept the freedom I was offered by Christ dying on the cross for me. I am taking intentional time to figure out what it is that has be staying bonded to the life I live as a human, and working on leaving those behind, trusting that in Christ I will have the freedom promised. I know that I haven't given my family to God, a topic a youth group kid and I struggled with together. I want to protect my family members and although I am not perfect, I feel I can do a better job than God, and so giving up control is hard. I know that things like my internet, or my phone, are things that if asked I should be able to leave behind. These things shouldn't be conditions with which I hold over the decision between living the way I am and living free.

So, I will continue to pinpoint the things that hold me back, the things I would not be willing to leave behind. I will continue journeying towards the cross, where freedom was gained for me. I will continue to struggle with choices but I know that on the other side there is a promise of freedom in Jesus, and if I would just be willing to trust Him (who I know) than it is mine for the taking.

Thanks for joining the journey, friends.

This is life.

So, I have a couple of posts about life that I am still working on, but have heard from a few people that my updates are infrequent and they would like to know more. Here I am obliging to the request!

Life is good, like really good, like comfortably good. This isn't to say I don't miss home or things or people but I honestly couldn't ask for a more contented feeling where I am. I have figured out how to get around on my own, in fact the idea of getting a scooter has crossed my mind once or twice. I have started planning some getaways, with a trip to Kerala and Sri Lanka on the horizon next month. I am looking forward to kaitlyn coming to visit me, and seeing my life here.

At work I am in a stride and it's going well. I work with two case managers who are just amazing, and so I accompany them on home visits and other outings as well as helping in the office with data entry and the things of the sort. My social life is more active here than it ever was at home, and thankfully I am sharing this experience with some of the greatest people who feel so strongly about what we do, the interns and fellows pretty much rock.

I have been terrible at keeping in touch, and that goes for everyone, including the people I am closest with. I struggle with retelling the same story over and over, and honestly India makes me exhausted. Everything I do here is sensory overload, in that walking outside I am stared at, begged, negotiating the proper fare for my auto ride. It is crowded, loud, and hot, but I have begun to think of it as a soundtrack to this part of my life, and I really like it (well, most of the time). I promise I am trying to be better at staying in touch, but feel free to email me, facebook me, and I will return the response!

One of the favorite things I get to do, is go to our field directors office each week, to have dinner with his wife, who is so lovely and gracious to host us and be real with us. That time each week is like a breath of fresh air and really centers me.

Guess what!?!?! I had my first birthday away from home, and it was so amazing. I was awoken by my roommates with a sheet full of balloons being dropped on me, and informed that pancakes were being made. I skyped with my dad and sister and 2 of my nephews, who let me know they missed me (secretly that made me happy, I don't want them to forget me! I know, I know i'm selfishly terrible, kill me). At work they sang to me, we had doughnuts, had a lovely lunch, had my desk space decorate, and was made to wear a beautiful pink sparkly hat. To end the night we went to dinner at a place I got to eat hummus at, holla! Then we completed the celebration with amazing ice cream and a rare find in the nicest auto driver ever! I am so thankful to have the group of people I do here, my time is amazing because they are great. So, I guess 24 doesn't look too terrible, especially with the year I have planned!

I hope you are all doing well. I miss you all a ton and would love to hear how things are, so write me! Continue to pray for the work, my coworkers and team, and for me. I will keep praying for all of you, much love! Oh, crazy I have been here almost 2 months, when did that happen?

Dependence.

I knew that in my year away, things would change, I would change. How can you not expect differences? For your life to be changed? For your values to be challenged? I came though fully expecting all of this, but didn't realize it would be made clear so early on. Within days of being in India the word dependence was clearly being used more often than normal. My devotions discussed relying and trusting God, a speaker at church talked of the disciples need for dependence on Christ, and I started to reflect on what this all meant.

I am an honest person, with others and with myself, I am willing to recognize when I have flaws (most of the time). So after weeks of struggling with my current issue, I decided to share it, for prayer, support, understanding, or maybe you are in a similar place. I have realized I am overly dependent. I hate taking credit for things, scared of being the leader of projects, worried when others have expectations based on my sole performance. So, for the last however many years, I have gotten very good at hiding or becoming way too dependent on others in my life. My sister is the youth leader and I am happy making no decisions and doing what she says as a youth volunteer. My brother in-law is the worship leader, and would rather just sing melody than take a more leading role on the team. I am Pastor Nick's daughter, someone's sister, someone else's aunt. I have my master's but my sister edited everything, therefore she deserves at least the same credit if not more. And this goes on and on. It seems God has decided that is not okay and that my dependence should be fully in Him.

This isn't the first time that God has pointed this out to me, but I can tell it is very serious this time. Want to know how I know? Well, He up and moved me across the world where I am without any of the things I can depend on, with out any of the things that form my identity. I am left here in a country of over 1 billion people, to figure out who I am when it is 'just me' and to remember that the only person/thing I can depend on is the one who created me, God.

I in no way feel that God is saying that any of the things I do are wrong, or that any of my relationships are bad, but rather I have idolized them and needed them more than I have needed Him. I fully feel called to be on worship team, to help with youth group, to be on committees, to be an aunt, to be a sister, a friend, a daughter. BUT and that is a big but, I feel that God is saying you could do 'Infinitely More' if I depended on Him to be the source for which I rely on to do and be those things. If I was in constant communication with God, I would have so much more to give. I would be able to be a better friend, a better youth mentor, a better sister and daughter, a better aunt, a better worship team member. And so in this year ahead it is clear that God has called me to shift my dependence, from earthly things that are not dependable to the One who is, has been, and forever will be.

It's true that since being in India, I have been feeling rather naked, vulnerable. I am unsure of who I am when there is nothing on the outside defining me. I understand why it is taking moving across the world to see this, because being anywhere near those people or things the define me would hold me back, because of my own fears. God has never given me a reason to be afraid, to not put all my faith in Him, and now He is asking me to put my money where my mouth is, and so here I am. I have always been self conscious, a level of worthlessness has always plagued me, I have always needed a security blanket, and what happens now that I don't have one? I have 10 more months to find out, to explore who God has called me to be, to become a greater me, to step 'beyond anything I can imagine'. This is hard, and somedays I try to cling to anything that feels familiar here to replace my missing security blanket, but then I am trying to be intentional about praying and asking God to be the thing I seek dependence in.

I heard from my sister that the sermon she preached last week spoke to all of this. How a shepherd when one of his sheep continues to wander the shepherd breaks the little ones legs, and carries it everywhere it goes until it is healed and able to follow the correct path. I heard that even after the lamb is healed that whenever it comes to a place that it is unsure of it looks back at the shepherd and if the sheep is unable to manage the shepherd carries them over the new terrain. I began crying, literally crying. I feel like that sheep, I felt a comfort. The day I landed here, my legs are broken and I have only made it a month because my Shepherd is carrying me, and He still is. And to know that even if later on there are hard times, or rough days my Shepherd will carry me through still. I long for the day when I am able to walk again on my own, with God walking behind me, proud I am going the right way. But I am also enjoying spending time in the arms of my Shepherd, learning who I am and where I am going.

The other area that concerned me is, what happens when I go home. How does the newly found 'me' integrate back into life. I can't be scared of the things that are coming though, the same way that the disciples had been brought to a mountain top, and then instructed to go back down and use what they learned, so is this year. This year is my mountain top, a year to learn from God directly, to be in His great presence. And like the disciples I will want to stay in His presence, but I know that at the end of the experience I will have to go down the mountain and live my life differently so that others may see.

This is a lot, I have been wrestling with it for a couple weeks, and will probably continue to wrestle with it. I pray though that I just rest in the arms of my Shepherd, and that I learn all He has for me. I pray the same for you. I pray that your dependency is placed in Christ and not in the things you are doing or the people supporting you. While none of those things are bad, they are only good because of the love and capabilities we have been given by the one who created us.

Please pray for me as I learn who I am when I am not defined by anything on the outside. Pray that God's will continued to be revealed in my life. Pray for the aftercare team, my team. Pray for the health of me and all other fellows and interns. AND let me know if there is anything I can be praying for you!

Thanks for following the journey <3

Nothing Profound, Just an Update on Life.

Friends and Family, I am sorry it has taken me so long to write. Since I left home, just under 2 weeks ago, my life has been a whirlwind. One filled with emotions, meeting people, settling in, learning to live in the present, and so much more. I wish so badly that each of you could be here with me, to understand and to see this country that I fell in love with years ago. That being said, I arrived here in India just about 24 hours after leaving Albany. It was the middle of the night, and I was able to meet 2 of my new roommates, a couple staff, and be brought to my new home for the year.

As soon as I walked into the apartment, the sudden onslaught of emotions was overwhelming, I started to realize how long I would be staying and how much I would miss home. I felt overwhelmed like I could barely make it to the next morning, let alone 11 months. Thankfully, I had internet and was able to reach home and talk to my dad and kaity, as I did several times over the next couple of days to talk through some of what I was feeling. Other than emotions, and a mishap with luggage (that was fixed pretty quickly) everything else continued to fall into place. I slept that first weekend, a lot, but also got to meet the other interns and fellows, eat papa john's (haha), and go to church.

On Sunday I decided that I should put away my clothes and begin to make my room feel like my home, and safe haven, that simple act started my transition into feeling settled. I started work on Monday, meeting some of the nicest and sweetest people I have ever had the pleasure of knowing. The peace I began to feel knowing that God has prepared this path for me, was beyond anything I had ever imagined. It seems crazy that the first 4 days were full of tears and to see how quickly that has changed, how life has already started to become a routine. A routine filled with morning Skype calls home, lunch with the fellows and interns, nights of relaxing, and a weekend of exploring. I have tried new things both food and adventure. I rode on the back of the scooter to work one day, and navigated myself home in an auto. This weekend I spent a whole day out and about, navigating myself around, with some fails, but an overall victory. I went shopping for kurta's, ordered food in, went to church, had lunch with some friends, went to a local market, and had some yummy ice cream. Oh I also got laughed at when I asked the store owner where the toilet paper was, and as the store owner laughed I pictured them thinking 'typical americans'. Life has become good here. I am not saying it's perfect, or that I don't miss home fiercely, nor do i live in denial of the fact that somedays will be harder than others. I am certain this is typical to a honey moon phase, and at some point fighting with auto drivers won't be as fun and exhilarating but rather just an obstacle to get somewhere. Truly though I am so thankful that I am beginning to feel a sense of 'home' here.

I want to say thank you to each one of you who has been praying for me, with out you I would not have made it this far. It is with your support and love that I am able to take each new day as it comes. Please continue to pray that God would work within me to enjoy the present, to not worry about tomorrow or the next month or next year. I want to fully enjoy this experience and to take everything I can out of it. I want to remember names and faces and I can only do that, when I am present in the moment. I pray all of you are well, and I look forward to seeing what God is doing in your life this year as well!