From the Top of the Mountain all the Way Back Down

One of the first sermons or talks I heard when I moved to India was based on Marks account of going up to the Mount of Transfiguration. It was during this sermon that I realized God had very intentionally moved me across the world to have my own mountain top experience. That isn't to say that I had never had one before, or that there weren't moments in my spiritual life where I thought 'ah-ha, this is who God is'. In fact if I'm honest, I had many of those moments. I was lucky enough to be able to experience God in many ways, many times over the course of my relatively young life. I was lucky to be raised in a home that was built on the truth of God and showcased His love. I unfortunately missed the part about what happens after you come down from the mountain. I always seemed to leave on the high of wanting to build temples on top and staying there forever, because you know it's safe."

For those of you who need a refresher on the story, it can be found in Mark 9:2-13, but basically Jesus takes Peter, James and John (His inner circle) up to the mountain top where He is transfigured, seen in His proper glory and at one point Elijah and Moses are there. Peter is so in awe and not sure what to say that he suggests building places of worship to commemorate, the way the Jewish festivals suggest doing so. Instead a cloud appears (God is into clouds, hey?) and He tells them to listen to His son, whom He loves. After that Jesus walks down the mountain with them, and tells them not to share this with anyone...yet.

In this case, I am totally Peter. I have seen God this way work in such amazing ways, seen Him provide, walk beside me, and love me even when I was failing, but I have seen Jesus in His full glory. I, like Peter, want to set up a place of worship and never leave. I want to bask in who God is, spending my days worshipping and being in His direct presence. I want to continue to learn on top of the mountain away from the distractions of the town that sits below. But that is because just like Peter, I am scared at what the base of the mountain holds. I am not trusting that this experience will carry me, and continue to teach me.

At one point, I was curious whether I should consider extending my time in India. I have loved my experience, I have loved the people I have gotten to know, I have loved being a part of the work God is doing. I then realized that at the root of it, as much as I loved all the above mentioned things, I was scared that I wouldn't be able to take the things I had learned and bring them home with me. In fact I am still scared of that. My biggest fear in coming home is that all that I have learned this year, and the ways in which I have grown will no longer exist with in me, that by coming down from what I consider to be a mountain top year, I will lose it amongst the surrounding towns. I existed this year without anything defining me but Christ. No one here knows my past, my family all lives thousands of miles away and so although I am still an aunt, daughter, sister, friend, the role looks vastly different and those titles didn't define me or my actions here. My church is thousands of miles away and so my roles in leadership didn't define me here either, though I hold them close to my heart. This year the only thing that defined me was me and ultimately that definition came from who I am in Christ. I have enjoyed some of that freedom, though I am beginning to long to be back in my roles at home. I am just scared that I am not strong enough to take my place in life back and still remember that at the end of the day the only defining factor that matters is who I am in Christ.

Ultimately I think Peter feared similarly. I think he was worried that he had been changed by seeing Christ in His full glory, and he wasn't sure how to translate that back into real life, and so the easiest thing to do was to set up home on the mountain top. But God himself spoke to Peter as well as James and John and told them to listen to His son whom He loved. Jesus tells them not to share that experience, yet. I don't believe He didn't want it ever shared but I think there is a wisdom in waiting for the right time, in being able to understand all of what you learned before you are shouting it at anyone that passes by. I in the same way don't expect that everyone at home is going to want to listen to the nitty gritty details of this year, one of the reasons being is a year away is a lot longer than you think. I do think that Christ knew that others would see the difference in these three dudes, who belonged to His inner circle, and I can only hope that at the bottom of the mountain others will see the difference in me.

The last exciting part to me about all of this is, that Christ on that mountain could have gone to heaven. He could have been taken up in a cloud like Elijah, but rather He knew the prophesy and what was needed to complete His mission on earth. He also could have stayed longer on that mountain top to spend time in communion with His father, but instead He walked down the mountain with Peter, James and John, and stayed with them until His death, and then until His ascension before sending the Holy Spirit. I have learned and continue to learn that this year is the end of a chapter, I'm not sure of exactly what. I do know that it is time for me to come down from this mountain top and to take what I learned and let it affect my life so that others may see the difference. I am a bit scared about that, there are fears I wish I could fully explain or understand, but the truth is that in the end Jesus is walking down the mountain with me and He will stay with me. I am not alone. I am still learning so much, and will be learning from this experience for years to come, but as God said, I will do what His son whom He loves says, I will trust in Him.

See most of you in just about 3 weeks. Please be praying as I begin this transition, that I would continue to trust in Jesus. That I would continue to remember that He is walking with me, that there is purpose in His plan. Thanks for joining this journey <3

Remember When...

....I wrote one of my first blog posts while being away? I believe it was like 3 maybe 4 weeks in, when I realized God had so intentionally moved me here and placed me here to change me, to lead me, to teach me so much more than I ever could have imagined. Now, here I sit towards the end of my time in India (at least for now), and have way too much time to reflect on this year, and the future. I have always been an over thinker and that really hasn't changed this year, but a lot of other things have. I have found that my worth comes from one place and that is from God. I have learned that no matter how many times I stumble or forget or intentionally don't do what God is directing, He is still pursuing me. I have found that away from all the things that I thought defined me, I am still similar but at the same time vastly different. I have seen the way that my extroverted side exhausts me and has made my introverted tendencies to become glaringly obvious, and me time has become essential. I have noticed that when my life seems to be unbalanced, I seem to be over emotional and worried it's in direct correlation to where I am in allowing time for God daily. I have seen friendships grow, which make the idea of leaving painful. I have learned that I could see myself living abroad again, and that what I once thought was impossible is actually some days quite comfortable. I have learned, seen, realized, and been taught so much. Some of the things I have learned or continue to learn, I don't know that I will see it's fruit for a while. I know that this year has changed me. Maybe not to the eye, maybe not even upon a quick conversation, no the change this year is so deeply rooted it stems from my core. I pray that these things will continue to take shape, will continue to grow, and that I will continue to see the change that God has intended for me. He told me in the beginning of the year, that none of the things that I did at home before I left were bad, that none of my relationships were bad, that what defined was bad, but rather God told me that being rooted in Him would make it all even better. Please pray for me friends, as I see these changes take shape, as I take time to reflect on this year, as I prepare for the future, that in the in that all that God has in store for me would come to fruition.

Dear India

Dear India,

I don’t know when it happened, but somewhere along the way I fell in love with you. Not ‘puppy love’ or a high school love. Rather I fell head over heels, heart beating fast, butterflies in my stomach kind of love with you. It didn’t happen right away, instead when I first arrived I felt nervous, you piqued my interest, but I was scared to be leaving my comfort zone. I guess I should be more specific though, although I do love India, in particular I fell in love with ‘my city’. It’s maybe not a city that at first glance has obvious good looks but if you’re willing to get to know it, it is more handsome because of its quirks. The slightly crooked nose or the deep set eyes that on their own could be seen as ‘off’ rather makes it to be quite attractive. I have seen a lot of India, not a ton in the grand scheme of its size, but enough to get an idea of what there is to be offered here, and it just further proved how in love I had fallen. I would miss the culture ‘my city’ offered while I was away. I missed the people who have become my ‘home town’. That was something I was scared I would miss living somewhere that had so many people, but have recently realized you have allowed me to create a community all my own. From the ladies who sell flowers outside my apartment, the guards at my apartment, the guards at work, the shop keeper down the street, the staff at our ‘regular’ restaurants, my daily auto driver home, the old lady who is always outside to wave at me when I get home, I have found my own small town. For these small things I have fallen a little bit harder.

Things that once drove me insane, and still push me over the edge on certain days, have me amazed at your ability to stay so unique in a world that is quickly growing smaller and more similar. Your sounds, many types of transportation, food carts, and traditional clothing help me understand you and the culture so much more. It also makes me feel a part of something so much bigger than myself.

Although I am still stared at, for the most part you have opened your arms and welcomed me in a way I never expected. I rarely feel unsafe, rather I feel like I have a whole city looking out for me. The guards at work have been the most tangible example of this, never letting me get my own auto home but rather fighting for me to always only pay meter or a fair price, another way I feel accepted is when I answer a simple question with a yes in Tamil and the driver asks “you speak tamil?” and I answer smiling and laughing “no, sir” and we laugh together. The way you ‘my city’ have opened your arms and made me feel at home, so far away from my home, has made me fall a little deeper in love.

So how is it that my heart can love two places so much, and how do I figure out how to handle what surely will lead to heartbreak in just a few months. I can’t imagine a life where I don’t eat with my hands, where my head movements tell you yes or no, where I have to fight for a fair price to get home, or where even breakfast is spicy. I am trying to stay present as you my love have asked and require to fully enjoy life, but my mind betrays me often. I am nervous to leave you, praying that our love is strong enough to beat the test of time and distance. I know this isn’t my last time in this country or even in this city that has become ‘my city’. I couldn’t be separated from half of my heart for the rest of my life. To you India, you have stolen my heart, and I happy for you to keep it.

That Time I Got My PHD.

I think it's evident, but let me just reiterate, I absolutely love my team. Don't get me wrong, the entire office is full of amazing people, but being able to see my teammates work up close, watching them be the rockstars that they truly are, I feel blessed to be working with them. Yesterday the office, as a whole, took the time to also recognize how great they think our team is as well. (Don't worry, they're working through the whole office, yesterday was aftercares day) It was such a sweet time, where those who work with the clients for two years post rescue and offer rehabilitation that ends with a graduation, were offered a graduation of their own. The admin team did an amazing job, picking words that accurately describe my teammates, having coworkers read words about their love, compassion, dedication, and the list goes on and on. It's tough some days, and the rehabilitation process is a long road, but I was so happy to watch as my teammates were honored and recognized as the amazing people that they are.

So when did I get a PHD? Well, that was what the aftercare team was given during graduation were honorary PHD's from IJM, and even the interns and fellows were not left out. Now, I have sat through my fair share of graduations, have worked hard and spent long hours striving for that piece of paper, have loved meeting and making friendships and relationships along the way, but nothing compares to the graduation I was a part of yesterday. It was one of the sweetest times in my life, and will long be held as one of my favorite moments of my life. I was given the PHD of personality, offering the team time to laugh, but also recognized for the work I contribute. I will probably never get a real life PHD, and I have already forgotten the speeches given at all of my real school graduations, but yesterdays ceremony was one I will never forget. From the paper hats, to the diplomas, the advocate robes, and the silly speeches, love was shown throughout.

I was so honored to be sitting up in front amongst the people who aren't only my team but who have also become my family. I love being able to pray and stand together in the depths but I also love celebrating in the triumphs. I love walking in knowing that if something is weighing on my heart, I have a support system. I love watching my team in action when a kid or family is in need, they jump through hoops and help with such humble hearts. They each deserved the 'PHD' that they received, in my eyes they deserve the world. Through out life, I have often felt out of place or as though I don't belong, but here I have never felt that. They have opened their arms wide and accepted me and welcomed me as one of them. They have taken a chance on letting a girl, who although has some education, is also kind of a crazy pants be a part of their team. I feel truly blessed to have received my 'PHD' with these lovely lifelong friends sitting next to me.

Here are some pictures, I will upload more on Facebook so check them out!

How I Got the Job of Ordering Pizza

I don't write enough about just random happenings in my life here. Nor do I really tell funny stories or replay day to day activities. I think mostly because life becomes so routine that I forget to write or I say I'll do it later. I figured I haven't posted in a while and I might as well share what it is like to order food here in India. In my house I have become the designated orderer because I somehow have managed to find favor with the delivery gods (that's a joke, I know there are no delivery gods).

Mostly it started because I wanted pizza relatively early on in my time. I researched where would deliver to our residence and found that pizza hut or dominos are close enough and so that should be easy enough. Let me just tell you that everywhere delivers here - mcdonalds, kfc, fruit shop (fruit juices and milkshakes), bus tickets, amazon (which you can pay upon delivery), and as long as you can explain where you live you are totally set. The problem with explaining where you live is that most people don't use addresses, like at all. You give your address but the most important part are the landmarks you live near. I spend much time saying near here, opposite here, close to here, etc. At first this seems strange but as you learn the makeup of this city it makes total sense, and is way easier to navigate via landmarks. So once I felt confident of our address, the landmarks near by, and which pizza place I was calling I set forth on my attempt to order dinner. To say the first attempt was a complete fail would be an understatement, but you see I am persistent, and when I am no longer hungry for tikka masala I will fight for my pizza. The first month of so of ordering ended up with multiple people on the line, being hung up on often, and me asking random strangers in my apartment complex to speak to the delivery guy. I mean my roommates would gather around while I ordered and get their entertainment for the night (hey there isn't always a ton to do here - don't judge us).

I wish I could explain this in more detail, it really was just me repeating the name of our street and the major landmark near us over and over. The person on the phone telling me they were losing connection (that is a total lie = ] ). The next major challenge was even though I spent 20+ minutes explaining where I lived to the person on the phone that information was somehow never given to the delivery man, and so 45 mins later while they were at the closest signal, I would spend another 20 minutes (literally) explaining how to come the half mile to my apartment. We live on a major road, but it somehow was always a comedy of errors. BUT here I am 7 months later able to call pizza hut, dominos, and a place called zaitoons (which serves Mediterranean food) with ease thanks to my months of hard work at attaching the proper address to my phone number. What this does mean is that anytime someone in my house wants to order something it's my job, and so i am pretty convinced domino's thinks I eat their pizza 4 nights a week, when really it's only twice haha shhh. I also have the confidence to call new places to order, and when I am in a patient mood I go for it. I think I have really gotten my Indian accent and annunciation down, lol!

His Eye is on the Sparrow.

Before coming to India, actually before finding out I had gotten the fellowship in India, there was little I was worried about. I was the most confident I had ever been in my life that this was the plan God had for my life, and for someone who is terrible at decision making, that says a lot. Once I was offered the fellowship, I began to worry, not about whether I should go or not, more about the logistics really. I worried about being away that long, money, community, etc. but I didn't realize then that when God calls you, He doesn't leave you. I have been shown over and over the reality of my worth over a sparrows, and the fact that if Christ knows the number of hairs on my head how much does He truly care about the "small things" in my life.

Whenever I have been interviewed and been asked what my biggest weakness is (which of course needs to really be a hidden strength) I have answered my struggle with endings. I spin it, that I care so much about x,y,and z that ending the relationship, whether it be with other people, an organization, etc. to be extremely difficult. A lot of this stems from the fact that I am terrible with change. So before coming to India my biggest fear was with the amount of inconsistency it would add to my life. It would be another non permanent position, where I would invest in relationships that would eventually be split up, and the idea that the interns and fellows changed twice in my time was a bit scary. I knew that if God was calling me though, He would sustain me.

The first round of intern/fellows left in May, and it was a bit challenging, there were 2 girls, one of which I lived with, who finished their time and were heading home. After only knowing them about 4 months it was hard to see someone I would have loved to get to know more go. I struggled and began fretting what the next round of goodbyes would look like. The next round of goodbye's started last week, and they will go on until the end of August, and in total 7 interns and fellows will be finishing their time here and heading home. It has been hard. These are people I have spent the last 6+ months with, working, eating, playing, resting, stressing, talking to. I have had serious meltdowns, and extreme bouts of joy (just ask them about my smile when I had starbucks it was bordering on creepy). I have opened my heart and shared some of my personal struggles, and my greatest triumphs. I have heard their stories, learned from them, sough wisdom in them, and overall formed a family with them.

It wasn't until this past weekend, when talking to one of the girls I live with, who will leave in August, when I realized just how much God has cared for me. He knew the details of the group before placing me in this city. He knew the office culture, the dynamics, the personalities, the situations, and who I would need support from, to learn from, to be friends with. Our God who created the earth, is freeing slaves, and offers healing, also cares about my "little things" and not just mine but each of ours. God has gone before me, and continues to do so to prepare the path that I am called to. He doesn't just call us to leave us, but rather He is there to walk with us and sustain us, as long as we are willing to heed His call. This hasn't been an easy lesson, rather one I still struggle with, but I have just seen how evident His love is for me in the way He has taken care of things that seem so minute to others.

I have been lucky enough to be surrounded by some of the loveliest people for the last 6+ months, and it is a real struggle to see them go, but Christ isn't going to leave me at this point. He hasn't brought me this far to watch me fall. Also these friendships that have been built are ones that are foundational to my time here and crucial to a lot of the growth I have experienced thus far, and so I know that distance won't harm them at all. It is so encouraging to know that God has a plan much bigger than what think, and to realize that although He tells us to take enough manna just for the day, He has a plan to sustain us for all the days to come!

Here are some pics of you to understand how lucky I have been to be with these crazy kids who are getting ready to head home in the next couple of weeks. You will see that God knew what He was doing when He placed us all here, we kind of fit together in a weird jigsaw puzzle kind of way!

To the Wee Ones (my nieces and nephews)

To my 10 (almost 12) beautiful nieces and nephews, I want to start by saying, I love you something fierce. I have felt so blessed to be your aunt, to see you grow from little babies to beautiful kids with hearts of gold. You each inspire me daily, make me laugh, and teach me things far beyond your years. In fact, I love you as if you were my own. I am sure my friends both here in India and at home are tired of me sharing stories of you being cute, stubborn, or straight up hysterical, but that won't stop me from talking even when no one is listening. I hope you know that you are never far from my thoughts, you are actually very central to my daily routine.

There are so many things I wish I could tell you guys, but seeing as you range in age from 2 to 8, some of the things I pray for, hope for, long for, for you might not make a ton of sense. I want you to know that being away from you for the last 6 months, has been one of the hardest things for me to do. Sure I miss family gatherings, church services, my friends and my bed, but you are at the top of the list. I wish I could fully explain to you what I am doing here and what this year means to me, but someday you will, and then it will all make sense. I am so thankful for your mommies and your daddies, your grandma and grandpa, and all of our family who are telling you about me, so that you don't forget who I am when I return this December. I am so happy to have the notes that each of you wrote me before I left, encouraging me daily. I hope you know that I am learning so much, and I can't wait to share it with you in due time.

What does me being in India have to do with you? Well, I wondered the same thing for a bit, and while the sole purpose is following God's call in my life, and working in an area I am so passionate about, at the root of it I am finding there is more. I hope that the courage I have grown to be able to face this year is transferable to you, that you too may feel free to follow your dreams and God's plan wherever it may take you, whether it be to stay in New York or to live in Japan. I pray that the internal strength that I am fostering, will be evident to you so that you too can face scary things in your life, things that may seem impossible. I pray you see my love and dedication to Christ, the one who made us and sustains us, so that you too may walk in His will, and grow closer to Him. It's not easy missing birthday parties, family get togethers, and major milestones, but if it means that I am becoming a better me than in the end it is worth it. I want to be the best me so that I can share it with you. I want to be your fun crazy aunt, who lets you eat too much sugar, and stay up way too late, but I also want to lead you, to show you that God's plan is the perfect plan, I want to offer you the best of me in order to help you grow into the best of you.

So when you tell me to come home because you miss me, or you ask me if we can have a sleepover, the answer is yes. So many yeses but it will just have to wait a few more months, for God has called me to be here to further His call for justice. God has called me to be here to fall deeper in love and need with Him. God has called me to be here to realize that my worth is in Him and He is the only comfort zone I need. I will be so ready to come home to see you when God calls me back to Cohoes, and it's you I look forward to seeing most. I can't wait to be another great example of God to you, and to join your parents and our 'tribe' in raising you into the Godly young woman and men I know you to be. So I am sorry I am not there right now, and I know it feels like forever, but soon sweet wee ones I will be home loving you with so many hugs you will want to get away from me, but for now I must continue on this part of my journey.

And little ones, if you have a dream to travel the world or to stay at home they are both so important, I hope that along with your parents direction in following Gods call, mine is another example. I hope you know I am loving my time here, I am making friends here, and letting my roots grow here, but I am never far from you, you're always on my mind.

I love you, Bubby