Since I have returned from India life has been hectic. It was always a dream of mine to go there and to have that dream completed at the age of 19 was crazy. It was such a big moment, and even if I say that no one will ever understand all that this trip entailed for me. This trip was going to be the beginning of something amazing or the end of something great. Either way I knew it was in God's hands, I mean my heart did, my mind though was making its own plans. I hoped this trip would give me clarity, you know answer my questions, but in the end I came home feeling so distant from people and life back in the states. These feelings were something I had never felt before not even in the last year when I had spent time in two other completely different parts of the world. I wrestled with the idea that maybe, finally everything I had experienced in the last year was hitting me. I wasn't sure what I was feeling and I wasn't even able to verbalize my thoughts which is something that has never happened before. I didn't really want to talk to anyone about what I was feeling or not feeling, I didn't want to share what happened to me in India partly because it was personal and partly because I wasn't even sure. On top of all this I was starting second semester junior year and if anyone knows about junior year in general or even more so as a social work major, it is pretty crucial and not the time to have your mind somewhere else. Needless to say in the midst of figuring out my feelings, school was causing anxiety and stressing me out. All I wanted was to be back in India where I felt comfortable doing things I loved, not at school feeling out of place and like I just needed to get through it. One conversation put a lot into perspective and that was with my friend chase, he said one thing that made things start to make sense. I was so worried about finding out the answers and maybe going to India made me ask more questions. From there my mind went wild and I couldn't stop thinking, crying, talking to people about India. All I wanted was for spring break to come so that I would be away from the world and ready to process and figure out what I (not anyone with an opinion, though I love all of you who have one) wanted. FastForward....
Spring Break arrived and I had waited for this break from reality. I spent a total of 55 mins on the internet over a 9 day period, I sent 1 text to congratulate a friend on her new nephew, and made no phone calls. I was with a friend, my dad and his wife, and brother. I was away from reality, completely. I got there though and nothing happened, or so I thought. Random things like meeting people from India or eating and Indian meal would happen and I got so excited about it, my dad would even notice. I found myself just wanting to learn more about India and the people there. The previous thoughts that once consumed me making me question what I wanted in life were no longer there, I felt at peace for the first time since I arrived back in the states on January 6. I knew that I belonged in India, I still don't know to what extent or for how long, but I know that I will be back there someday, hopefully soon. Everything that I had done before India had prepared me for the feelings and thoughts that I had. It felt overwhelming because I was scared of what the outcome might be. I came back to school with a new sense of identity, with a new sense of belonging here, knowing that my skills would help me get back to India and that was a good feeling. Unfortunately, after returning though everything in my world at school came tumbling down, everything was going wrong, but instead of crumbling like I probably would have done before break, I stood strong and made things work and adapted myself to changes that needed to be made. This sense of self I am gaining is something I never want to lose, I feel as though I have a purpose, that my schooling is not in vain, that I have a calling. Today ends a rough last week and half in the world of academia for me and my friend erica posted pictures and my friend chase posted a blog, and it was such a good time for both to happen because it just continued to remind me of where I am headed, but also reminded me of my other trips and where I have come from. I am an abolitionist.
*this picture makes me smile and breaks my heart. this was a little girl I got to hold and play with in a village in India and I think of her often. it reminds me why I want to do, what I want to do.
