I knew that in my year away, things would change, I would change. How can you not expect differences? For your life to be changed? For your values to be challenged? I came though fully expecting all of this, but didn't realize it would be made clear so early on. Within days of being in India the word dependence was clearly being used more often than normal. My devotions discussed relying and trusting God, a speaker at church talked of the disciples need for dependence on Christ, and I started to reflect on what this all meant.
I am an honest person, with others and with myself, I am willing to recognize when I have flaws (most of the time). So after weeks of struggling with my current issue, I decided to share it, for prayer, support, understanding, or maybe you are in a similar place. I have realized I am overly dependent. I hate taking credit for things, scared of being the leader of projects, worried when others have expectations based on my sole performance. So, for the last however many years, I have gotten very good at hiding or becoming way too dependent on others in my life. My sister is the youth leader and I am happy making no decisions and doing what she says as a youth volunteer. My brother in-law is the worship leader, and would rather just sing melody than take a more leading role on the team. I am Pastor Nick's daughter, someone's sister, someone else's aunt. I have my master's but my sister edited everything, therefore she deserves at least the same credit if not more. And this goes on and on. It seems God has decided that is not okay and that my dependence should be fully in Him.
This isn't the first time that God has pointed this out to me, but I can tell it is very serious this time. Want to know how I know? Well, He up and moved me across the world where I am without any of the things I can depend on, with out any of the things that form my identity. I am left here in a country of over 1 billion people, to figure out who I am when it is 'just me' and to remember that the only person/thing I can depend on is the one who created me, God.
I in no way feel that God is saying that any of the things I do are wrong, or that any of my relationships are bad, but rather I have idolized them and needed them more than I have needed Him. I fully feel called to be on worship team, to help with youth group, to be on committees, to be an aunt, to be a sister, a friend, a daughter. BUT and that is a big but, I feel that God is saying you could do 'Infinitely More' if I depended on Him to be the source for which I rely on to do and be those things. If I was in constant communication with God, I would have so much more to give. I would be able to be a better friend, a better youth mentor, a better sister and daughter, a better aunt, a better worship team member. And so in this year ahead it is clear that God has called me to shift my dependence, from earthly things that are not dependable to the One who is, has been, and forever will be.
It's true that since being in India, I have been feeling rather naked, vulnerable. I am unsure of who I am when there is nothing on the outside defining me. I understand why it is taking moving across the world to see this, because being anywhere near those people or things the define me would hold me back, because of my own fears. God has never given me a reason to be afraid, to not put all my faith in Him, and now He is asking me to put my money where my mouth is, and so here I am. I have always been self conscious, a level of worthlessness has always plagued me, I have always needed a security blanket, and what happens now that I don't have one? I have 10 more months to find out, to explore who God has called me to be, to become a greater me, to step 'beyond anything I can imagine'. This is hard, and somedays I try to cling to anything that feels familiar here to replace my missing security blanket, but then I am trying to be intentional about praying and asking God to be the thing I seek dependence in.
I heard from my sister that the sermon she preached last week spoke to all of this. How a shepherd when one of his sheep continues to wander the shepherd breaks the little ones legs, and carries it everywhere it goes until it is healed and able to follow the correct path. I heard that even after the lamb is healed that whenever it comes to a place that it is unsure of it looks back at the shepherd and if the sheep is unable to manage the shepherd carries them over the new terrain. I began crying, literally crying. I feel like that sheep, I felt a comfort. The day I landed here, my legs are broken and I have only made it a month because my Shepherd is carrying me, and He still is. And to know that even if later on there are hard times, or rough days my Shepherd will carry me through still. I long for the day when I am able to walk again on my own, with God walking behind me, proud I am going the right way. But I am also enjoying spending time in the arms of my Shepherd, learning who I am and where I am going.
The other area that concerned me is, what happens when I go home. How does the newly found 'me' integrate back into life. I can't be scared of the things that are coming though, the same way that the disciples had been brought to a mountain top, and then instructed to go back down and use what they learned, so is this year. This year is my mountain top, a year to learn from God directly, to be in His great presence. And like the disciples I will want to stay in His presence, but I know that at the end of the experience I will have to go down the mountain and live my life differently so that others may see.
This is a lot, I have been wrestling with it for a couple weeks, and will probably continue to wrestle with it. I pray though that I just rest in the arms of my Shepherd, and that I learn all He has for me. I pray the same for you. I pray that your dependency is placed in Christ and not in the things you are doing or the people supporting you. While none of those things are bad, they are only good because of the love and capabilities we have been given by the one who created us.
Please pray for me as I learn who I am when I am not defined by anything on the outside. Pray that God's will continued to be revealed in my life. Pray for the aftercare team, my team. Pray for the health of me and all other fellows and interns. AND let me know if there is anything I can be praying for you!
Thanks for following the journey <3
