As the months seem to be passing at an increasingly fast pace, I have begun to think about the work I will be doing while gone next year. Sure I always knew I would be working, doing things I love, learning things I didn't even know about, but the thoughts of moving far away for a year like a fairytale have begun to disappear and the truths about my new step in life are becoming more clear. Let me first assure you, or maybe myself, I am so excited for this opportunity, for the work I will be doing, for the love I will be giving and experiences receiving, but sometimes my human side starts to show. I have begun to worry, what if I look good on paper or in theory, but then I get there and I am not what they bargained for. Or what if I have the education, but my skills (only ever used in intern settings) aren't quite up to par. What if my writing isn't as good, and I only made it through school with the help of my sister and friends. What if I have just been tricking everyone. And then I use my logical side and remind myself that I am capable, that I am hard working, that I have a lot of worth and it is not held in my skills or lack there of alone.
I think people would be lying if they said they never felt nervous, anxious, or self conscious about looks, ability, etc. and maybe I am being too honest about my journey, but I have struggled with those feelings my whole life. What if I am just fooling everyone around me, and when they see the real me it will all be a joke. But then I have to remind myself that as a human, I fail, daily. And although I do have abilities, they are not because of me, they are usually in spite of me, and all because of the God that I serve. I have to remember that my worth is in nothing of this world, but fully found in my God, who saw me as worth it. He sent His son, gives me life, gave me the family that I have and the friends I have been able to meet. He has given my the gifts that he saw fit, and helped me make it this far in life. He gives me my next breath, and my deepest desires. He doesn't do it in a way where everything happens in a 90 minute hollywood movie, in fact it's been 23 years of struggles with myself to hear and follow His plan for me. But I finally feel as though I am in that place, and so when all those "what if's" and questions of worth come up, I feel confident in saying my worth is not whether I touch millions of peoples lives, my worth is not in whether I have the most passport stamps, or in the best therapeutic modalities, my worth is found in a God who is perfect, and loving, and wants me.
So as a declaration for myself I am herby proclaiming, though recognizing I will need reminders often, my worth is not in: money, education, abilities, amount I volunteer, looks, clothes, the car I drive, the amount of friends I have, the number on the scale,anxiety, the relationship I have with my family. My worth ALONE is found in Christ Jesus. And while many of the things on my list are blessings and I am so happy to have them here on earth, I know that all earthly things will pass, and I will still be worth something because God says so.
I ask that as I prepare to leave, and transition into a new routine and job, that you would pray for me to remember even when I am struggling, I am still worth something. To remember that everyone has a learning curve, that no one expects perfection, just passion and drive. Just pray that I continue to see my worth in Him and enjoy the rest as the extreme blessings that they are. And if you would like prayer, please let me know, I would love to be there any way I can.
Thanks for joining the journey <3