A Constant Struggle

I went on a rescue. That's how this struggle began. I expected to feel things being on a rescue, to have a front row seat to peoples hurts. I didn't expect to walk away questioning myself so much. Let me explain. See, part of a rescue is about ten minutes that the laborers have to pack all their belonging. It's not like they have a ton of personal things. I knew this part would come, where we would quickly help pack up the lives of those being rescued in pursuit of freedom on the other side. For most this is the first time they are meeting us, and they are so excited at being helped that there is little question, just anxious packing. And in the middle of this scene it hits me, oh my gosh they just packed their whole life in a few bags in a couple of minutes. There were so many things stirring inside of me, and I had to take a step back and tell myself to process it later.

It's been about 5 weeks since that day, where I watched men and woman decide whether a plastic broken jug was worth the extra space, or the rusted pan was worth the weight. It's been about 5 weeks since my chest tightened and I was overwhelmed with emotions to big for myself to carry or understand. It's true, I was overwhelmed by how little and how easy it was to pack up their lives. I caught myself feeling sad for them, and realized that at the opportunity for freedom, from people they don't know, was worth leaving behind the unnecessary in order to have a better life. This quickly turned personal, and was no longer about the laborers themselves, but rather what this looked like for myself.

Every day since I have learned who Christ is, which has been the majority of my memory filled life, I have had the opportunity to live in a life of freedom. Christ has offered me daily to leave behind my broken jugs, and rusted pans, in order to live a more fulfilling life in freedom. But have I chosen that route? Have I lived as though I am in freedom? Have I left behind the things that were holding me back from the other side? I thought so, had you asked me 3 months ago if I unlike the rick young ruler, had given up everything to live for Christ, the answer would have been a huge resounding YES! I have given up my life, my comfort, my friends, my family, etc. Until I got here and I realized how dependent on those things I truly was. Now I see that maybe I am more like the rich young ruler than I ever thought.

I would rather hold onto my broken jug, or a relationship than take Christ up on His offer of freedom. I would rather keep my rusted pan, or "control" over my life than have the treasure I am promised in heaven. As these thoughts started right as lent was starting, I decided to make this part of my Lenten journey. Instead of giving up some sort of food, or something like that, or add a new bible study, and feel guilt over the fact I failed multiple times, or feel like I had to participate, I made it my goal to spend lent preparing myself to accept the freedom I was offered by Christ dying on the cross for me. I am taking intentional time to figure out what it is that has be staying bonded to the life I live as a human, and working on leaving those behind, trusting that in Christ I will have the freedom promised. I know that I haven't given my family to God, a topic a youth group kid and I struggled with together. I want to protect my family members and although I am not perfect, I feel I can do a better job than God, and so giving up control is hard. I know that things like my internet, or my phone, are things that if asked I should be able to leave behind. These things shouldn't be conditions with which I hold over the decision between living the way I am and living free.

So, I will continue to pinpoint the things that hold me back, the things I would not be willing to leave behind. I will continue journeying towards the cross, where freedom was gained for me. I will continue to struggle with choices but I know that on the other side there is a promise of freedom in Jesus, and if I would just be willing to trust Him (who I know) than it is mine for the taking.

Thanks for joining the journey, friends.

This is life.

So, I have a couple of posts about life that I am still working on, but have heard from a few people that my updates are infrequent and they would like to know more. Here I am obliging to the request!

Life is good, like really good, like comfortably good. This isn't to say I don't miss home or things or people but I honestly couldn't ask for a more contented feeling where I am. I have figured out how to get around on my own, in fact the idea of getting a scooter has crossed my mind once or twice. I have started planning some getaways, with a trip to Kerala and Sri Lanka on the horizon next month. I am looking forward to kaitlyn coming to visit me, and seeing my life here.

At work I am in a stride and it's going well. I work with two case managers who are just amazing, and so I accompany them on home visits and other outings as well as helping in the office with data entry and the things of the sort. My social life is more active here than it ever was at home, and thankfully I am sharing this experience with some of the greatest people who feel so strongly about what we do, the interns and fellows pretty much rock.

I have been terrible at keeping in touch, and that goes for everyone, including the people I am closest with. I struggle with retelling the same story over and over, and honestly India makes me exhausted. Everything I do here is sensory overload, in that walking outside I am stared at, begged, negotiating the proper fare for my auto ride. It is crowded, loud, and hot, but I have begun to think of it as a soundtrack to this part of my life, and I really like it (well, most of the time). I promise I am trying to be better at staying in touch, but feel free to email me, facebook me, and I will return the response!

One of the favorite things I get to do, is go to our field directors office each week, to have dinner with his wife, who is so lovely and gracious to host us and be real with us. That time each week is like a breath of fresh air and really centers me.

Guess what!?!?! I had my first birthday away from home, and it was so amazing. I was awoken by my roommates with a sheet full of balloons being dropped on me, and informed that pancakes were being made. I skyped with my dad and sister and 2 of my nephews, who let me know they missed me (secretly that made me happy, I don't want them to forget me! I know, I know i'm selfishly terrible, kill me). At work they sang to me, we had doughnuts, had a lovely lunch, had my desk space decorate, and was made to wear a beautiful pink sparkly hat. To end the night we went to dinner at a place I got to eat hummus at, holla! Then we completed the celebration with amazing ice cream and a rare find in the nicest auto driver ever! I am so thankful to have the group of people I do here, my time is amazing because they are great. So, I guess 24 doesn't look too terrible, especially with the year I have planned!

I hope you are all doing well. I miss you all a ton and would love to hear how things are, so write me! Continue to pray for the work, my coworkers and team, and for me. I will keep praying for all of you, much love! Oh, crazy I have been here almost 2 months, when did that happen?