I went on a rescue. That's how this struggle began. I expected to feel things being on a rescue, to have a front row seat to peoples hurts. I didn't expect to walk away questioning myself so much. Let me explain. See, part of a rescue is about ten minutes that the laborers have to pack all their belonging. It's not like they have a ton of personal things. I knew this part would come, where we would quickly help pack up the lives of those being rescued in pursuit of freedom on the other side. For most this is the first time they are meeting us, and they are so excited at being helped that there is little question, just anxious packing. And in the middle of this scene it hits me, oh my gosh they just packed their whole life in a few bags in a couple of minutes. There were so many things stirring inside of me, and I had to take a step back and tell myself to process it later.
It's been about 5 weeks since that day, where I watched men and woman decide whether a plastic broken jug was worth the extra space, or the rusted pan was worth the weight. It's been about 5 weeks since my chest tightened and I was overwhelmed with emotions to big for myself to carry or understand. It's true, I was overwhelmed by how little and how easy it was to pack up their lives. I caught myself feeling sad for them, and realized that at the opportunity for freedom, from people they don't know, was worth leaving behind the unnecessary in order to have a better life. This quickly turned personal, and was no longer about the laborers themselves, but rather what this looked like for myself.
Every day since I have learned who Christ is, which has been the majority of my memory filled life, I have had the opportunity to live in a life of freedom. Christ has offered me daily to leave behind my broken jugs, and rusted pans, in order to live a more fulfilling life in freedom. But have I chosen that route? Have I lived as though I am in freedom? Have I left behind the things that were holding me back from the other side? I thought so, had you asked me 3 months ago if I unlike the rick young ruler, had given up everything to live for Christ, the answer would have been a huge resounding YES! I have given up my life, my comfort, my friends, my family, etc. Until I got here and I realized how dependent on those things I truly was. Now I see that maybe I am more like the rich young ruler than I ever thought.
I would rather hold onto my broken jug, or a relationship than take Christ up on His offer of freedom. I would rather keep my rusted pan, or "control" over my life than have the treasure I am promised in heaven. As these thoughts started right as lent was starting, I decided to make this part of my Lenten journey. Instead of giving up some sort of food, or something like that, or add a new bible study, and feel guilt over the fact I failed multiple times, or feel like I had to participate, I made it my goal to spend lent preparing myself to accept the freedom I was offered by Christ dying on the cross for me. I am taking intentional time to figure out what it is that has be staying bonded to the life I live as a human, and working on leaving those behind, trusting that in Christ I will have the freedom promised. I know that I haven't given my family to God, a topic a youth group kid and I struggled with together. I want to protect my family members and although I am not perfect, I feel I can do a better job than God, and so giving up control is hard. I know that things like my internet, or my phone, are things that if asked I should be able to leave behind. These things shouldn't be conditions with which I hold over the decision between living the way I am and living free.
So, I will continue to pinpoint the things that hold me back, the things I would not be willing to leave behind. I will continue journeying towards the cross, where freedom was gained for me. I will continue to struggle with choices but I know that on the other side there is a promise of freedom in Jesus, and if I would just be willing to trust Him (who I know) than it is mine for the taking.
Thanks for joining the journey, friends.
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