Just Like My Mother

You've asked and I've answered, never fully in truth, not just to you but also to myself. Mother's day doesn't actually affect me, nor does her birthday passing, or any other date like that. It does draw more attention to the day in and day out missing her, the feelings I often push so far down, and give little light too. It isn't that I don't want to think of her, in fact lately I think of her more often than not, but it still hurts, and I had to allow myself to know it was okay that it still hurts. So, yes, I answered you I am fine when mother's day comes around, because I am, but also I miss my mom fiercely everyday.

I think one of the reasons I have missed her most more recently, it is so easy to see my mom in my sisters. To see the way they parent, the way they love their children, to see the logic they use in their decision making. It is easiest to see it in my sister Kaity, who shares the same heart that my mother had, similar looks, and a voice that is more similar than most of ours. Growing up, I was always told I looked like my mom, and I can thank the blonde hair, blue eyes, and ever tanning skin for that. But as I have gotten older, I have found it harder to see where I have things in common with the mamma who prayed for me, loved me, and raised me. That's not said to gain sympathy, rather a fact of where I have been, and in part probably because I only got to know my mom as a thirteen year old girl and there was so much left to learn. In the last couple of years, I have began searching who my mother was, the woman she was before she had children, the one who led with fierce strength, the one who would do anything for her child. It has been a journey, but one I am thankful to be able to know. I may not learned of my mom's strengths and trials from her alone, but rather from stories passed down, or observations of the way others carry her legacy on, but I have been learning and for that I am thankful.

Now a days, I tend to look like a fairly solid mix of my mom and dad, though my blue eyes give way to my mom's beauty, and I am outgoing and love meeting new people, which tends to be more of my dad's character, so how do I reflect my mom? The one thing I learned through everything about my mom, no matter what she faced and she faced a lot in her too short life, she faced it with strength. If you had asked me even just six months ago if I had internal strength I think I would have said no, but my mom knew different, even from when I was young. I have found in my time here that I have a personal strength that I didn't think was possible, that facing tasks whether small or large I am able to deal with them, that strength was learned from my mom. My ability to publicly speak and tell stories (sorry dad, you aren't great at story telling) comes from my mom, who could make you weep by applying simple stories to life's greatest questions. Although my outgoing personality tends to side with my dad, my quick wit and sense of humor comes straight from my mom. My mom wasn't someone who gave away her belly laughs easily, but when you earned one you felt pride, and for that I thank her. But for me I think the biggest thing I have gotten from my mom is the ability to love those who feel unloved. My mom taught with her life, how to show true empathy, and because of that and those skills she taught so naturally, I am able to do what I am doing here in India. Lately, it's true I have felt left out as my sisters are compared to my mom, mostly because I love her so much I want nothing more than to emulate her, but even though I only had her for a short period I was given so much. I know that a mother's work is never done and even though she isn't here physically to keep teaching, I know through others as well as through the characteristics I picked up with out realizing it will show more and more as my life goes on. I am thankful that I had a mom who I want to emulate and I am thankful that I have woman in my life who continue to show me strength, and humor, and love, because without all the woman in my life I wouldn't be where I am today.

As a side note, I hope that wherever you are this mother's day, whether you are celebrating or grieving, whether you are surrounded by loved ones or you are all alone, I hope you know to someone - whether by birth or by circumstance you are a leader, someone who is teaching younger girls their worth, their strength, and their capabilities, keep on teaching, someday they will remember who taught them!

****also, sorry this is terribly written, just some thoughts I have been having as I think about today and what it means to so many.****

The Sickness That Never Ends...Until It Does!

As many of you know, about 2 months back, I got super sick over about a five day period. I had a high fever, bad abdominal cramps and was worried about dehydration and such. Thankfully, that ended and all was well in my world again. Unfortunately since then I have had couple day periods where I would not feel great, not as bad as before, but not well at all. Finally, last week after 3 long days in the heat with not a ton of water or food, I started to feel ill again. It persisted for about 5 days and I decided to see a doctor. He was super sweet, and kind but chalked it up to dehydration, which I felt was a symptom at this point not the cause. The next day I went to a hospital here to seek more answers. After navigating my way through registering, waiting, paying, and getting tests done, the doctor felt like he knew what was going on. I was scheduled the next day for a colonoscopy (which I didn't expect to have until I was old and definitely not in India) and a gastroscopy. Both went very smoothly and were done with no issue. Today I went to meet with my doctor again and get some medicine to begin treating me. It seems that I have colitis, which is common in western countries and young caucasians, and I was lucky enough to get it. I have started some medications to calm this flare up to even out and hopefully in a week will be on a regular med schedule. I have to meet with my doctor once more next week to review the biopsy report from the tests yesterday, where hopefully we can understand what type of colitis this is, whether it is an issue of a parasite I had before, or because of genetics and it's ulcerative. I wanted to wait until I had some answer to share this all with you. This has been a really tough last two weeks, and I know God has a lot to teach me through it. I just ask that you would continue to keep my health in prayer, I feel useless being at home in bed and I am getting bored, pray we find the right meds, give the doctor continued wisdom, and mentally just pray that this no longer has a hold on me and my call here. Thank you so much for supporting me and loving me, and joining me on this adventure! <3

The Countless Things I Have Learned

Friends, it has been too long since the last time I wrote and for that I am sorry. Time has this weird way of slipping through my fingers, while some days feel they may never end. On that note, I looked at an app on my phone and it told me I have been in India for 109 days, which is 1/3 of my time here! How that happened, I have honestly no idea!

I often don't feel like I have a ton to say and that has a part of why I don't write, this city I live in, though exotic and different then anything I have ever known, has quickly become my home and my life, and so day to day has a rhythm similar to living anywhere in the world, I think. But since we are at such a big time mark regarding my length of stay here, I thought I would share some things I have learned in my short stay so far!

1. Squatty potties are easily used once you understand the art form.

2. Light skin and light hair, will make almost all babies here cry.

3. I love spicy food, and even more I love eating it with my hands! (Rice and all, I may eat pasta with my hands eventually!)

4. The car horns, although loud and overwhelming, actually have a meaning most of the time, and it's not something that can be taught you just have to pick up what each blast means. It sounds tricky, but really you understand it quicker than you'd think.

5. I don't need McDonald's french fries in my life, or really any fast food or fountain soda.

6. "Designer" pizza (domino's, pizza hut, etc.) will give you the taste of home if you need it.

7. There are certain days where it's okay to spend way more than you normally would on groceries, in order to have vermont cheddar cheese, and sour cream.

8. I crave red meat more than I thought I did at home.

9. I can banter and bobble my head with the auto's with the best of them.

10. I have way more inner strength than I ever thought possible.

11. God is so much closer than I ever gave Him credit for.

12. My family and support system is so much stronger than I ever believed it to be.

13. My personal worth is being found daily.

14. Family are the people you surround yourself with and who support you, blood or not.

15. I still love this country as much as the first day I arrived, though I still get frustrated some days.

16. Just because this is God's will for my life, doesn't make it easy, in fact I struggle often.

17. Through the struggle I have grown so much.

18. Missing home is something that never goes away, but eventually you find a way to realize that where you are is your home.

19. Don't drink the tap water...or eat at a restaurant your instincts say no to, believe me I found out the hard way.

20. Always bring toilet paper with you, otherwise you can use the sprayer or wiggle = ]

So this is a glimpse of some of the things I am learning about myself, about my surroundings, about my abilities and my weaknesses, and although I feel like I have learned a ton I know I still have so much more to learn.

Since my last update, Kaitlyn visited which was amazing and so awesome to have someone see my life here and to have a glimpse of what it's like. I traveled to Kerala, and stayed on a house boat which was so amazing, have been working, building relationships, and planning Shawna's visit in July! Things are going over all well! I would just ask that you pray for our team, we are very over extended in work and need some positions filled. I ask for prayer in our office as our field office director gets ready to leave and our new one gets ready to take over. Personally, just pray for my health I have had some stomach issues and such, and also just for this period of time in general. This 3 and 4 month mark often are the time of struggling and I can definitely sense it a bit, not wanting to return home but I am restless a bit, and definitely feel some spiritual stuff. And finally just pray for travel, over the next few months I will be traveling all over India and Asia, so as I prepare and go, just for logistics and safety. I miss you all and love you tons!