You've asked and I've answered, never fully in truth, not just to you but also to myself. Mother's day doesn't actually affect me, nor does her birthday passing, or any other date like that. It does draw more attention to the day in and day out missing her, the feelings I often push so far down, and give little light too. It isn't that I don't want to think of her, in fact lately I think of her more often than not, but it still hurts, and I had to allow myself to know it was okay that it still hurts. So, yes, I answered you I am fine when mother's day comes around, because I am, but also I miss my mom fiercely everyday.
I think one of the reasons I have missed her most more recently, it is so easy to see my mom in my sisters. To see the way they parent, the way they love their children, to see the logic they use in their decision making. It is easiest to see it in my sister Kaity, who shares the same heart that my mother had, similar looks, and a voice that is more similar than most of ours. Growing up, I was always told I looked like my mom, and I can thank the blonde hair, blue eyes, and ever tanning skin for that. But as I have gotten older, I have found it harder to see where I have things in common with the mamma who prayed for me, loved me, and raised me. That's not said to gain sympathy, rather a fact of where I have been, and in part probably because I only got to know my mom as a thirteen year old girl and there was so much left to learn. In the last couple of years, I have began searching who my mother was, the woman she was before she had children, the one who led with fierce strength, the one who would do anything for her child. It has been a journey, but one I am thankful to be able to know. I may not learned of my mom's strengths and trials from her alone, but rather from stories passed down, or observations of the way others carry her legacy on, but I have been learning and for that I am thankful.
Now a days, I tend to look like a fairly solid mix of my mom and dad, though my blue eyes give way to my mom's beauty, and I am outgoing and love meeting new people, which tends to be more of my dad's character, so how do I reflect my mom? The one thing I learned through everything about my mom, no matter what she faced and she faced a lot in her too short life, she faced it with strength. If you had asked me even just six months ago if I had internal strength I think I would have said no, but my mom knew different, even from when I was young. I have found in my time here that I have a personal strength that I didn't think was possible, that facing tasks whether small or large I am able to deal with them, that strength was learned from my mom. My ability to publicly speak and tell stories (sorry dad, you aren't great at story telling) comes from my mom, who could make you weep by applying simple stories to life's greatest questions. Although my outgoing personality tends to side with my dad, my quick wit and sense of humor comes straight from my mom. My mom wasn't someone who gave away her belly laughs easily, but when you earned one you felt pride, and for that I thank her. But for me I think the biggest thing I have gotten from my mom is the ability to love those who feel unloved. My mom taught with her life, how to show true empathy, and because of that and those skills she taught so naturally, I am able to do what I am doing here in India. Lately, it's true I have felt left out as my sisters are compared to my mom, mostly because I love her so much I want nothing more than to emulate her, but even though I only had her for a short period I was given so much. I know that a mother's work is never done and even though she isn't here physically to keep teaching, I know through others as well as through the characteristics I picked up with out realizing it will show more and more as my life goes on. I am thankful that I had a mom who I want to emulate and I am thankful that I have woman in my life who continue to show me strength, and humor, and love, because without all the woman in my life I wouldn't be where I am today.
As a side note, I hope that wherever you are this mother's day, whether you are celebrating or grieving, whether you are surrounded by loved ones or you are all alone, I hope you know to someone - whether by birth or by circumstance you are a leader, someone who is teaching younger girls their worth, their strength, and their capabilities, keep on teaching, someday they will remember who taught them!
****also, sorry this is terribly written, just some thoughts I have been having as I think about today and what it means to so many.****
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