When your best friend knows you better than most.

Maybe it's that we have been friends since she was born. Or maybe that she has been one of the consistent things in my life. Maybe it's that even with our seasons of not talking, we picked back up where we left off. Maybe it's that we are not scared to be honest with one another. I don't know exactly how, but somewhere in the last 23 years my best friend has come to know me pretty well, probably better than I know myself. This was made most evident when on Christmas Eve as we exchanged gifts, she opened the box I gave her that was filled with letters for while I was gone, she smiled and nodded to a pile of letters, wrapped in a bow, that she was giving to me for while I was gone. Sure they weren't exactly the same, the sentiment though? perfectly the same.

With my gift, I gave her an activity, something that would remind her of our own hang outs for when she missed me most. I know that she is active and rarely likes to sit and do nothing, and I hope she stays that way but doesn't forget about our best friend dates, so I made sure she wouldn't. In true Shawna form though she knew what I needed, and I was allowed to open my first letter on Christmas Eve. She knew that 3 weeks before I leave, I was starting to question why I was going, and worrying about leaving everything I am invested in here at "home". Her handwriting is prettier, her thoughts more eloquent, but it is jaw dropping that we have grown to be so close our sentiments were the same. We were going to miss each other and that is okay, it's normal.

I'm not sure she wanted her letters to go public, and I don't want to share it all because it is so personal, but a part of one paragraph hit me so hard, and brought to words some of my feelings that I was having a hard time saying on my own ability. After talking about the tradition we as friends, and our families hold on Christmas Eve she said, "It's tradition. It's what we do. Our families brought us up on traditions because they give us pride in our roots. Your roots are here, in New York, but your branches have the ability to stretch far and wide, and already have. I hope you hold in your heart our traditions - and that for the next year, this monthly letter becomes a new one.

It's true, my roots have been planted here, and they are so strong. They have kept me stable through storms and produced blossoms beyond my imagination. My branches have already stretched far and wide, but that hasn't changed that my roots, my base, it's here in New York. Those roots are full of tradition, of family, friends, church, community and there is no one that will be able to replace those things. But on the other hand my branches need to blossom at this time in my life. There are seasons to life, and some are harder than other, some produce greater harvest, but all seasons are full of learning and appreciation. It has been so great to see the outpouring of love from the people who have built and sustain my roots, and I am so appreciative that they want to see me blossom, that they aren't being selfish in their own needs, rather they are wise beyond their years knowing that God has called me to let my branches grow. I am so lucky to have a best friend, who knows me better than I know myself, who can see what I need, and who can put it into words that I struggle to find. I will always remember where I have come from and where I get to come home to. I will carry those traditions with me, always.

Simple Faith

It has come to my attention that the days are moving some what slowly, but my weeks and months are passing by in blurs. I wish I understood that phenomenon, and could find a way to level it out. But this post isn't about that, but rather about the last 7+ month journey I have been on.

I grew up in the church, faith was like second nature to me, accepting Christ was expected and being involved was something I loved doing. By the time I graduated high school I felt overwhelmed with my responsibility to religion, and unsure of all the things I had been taught and had learned. That isn't to say I no longer believed, but I had finally reached a point where my faith needed to truly become my own. How easy it would be if you could just decide that and than live comfortably the rest of your life. But in all honesty, I found that it was just the beginning of my journey in deciding what faith was for me. It wasn't really until I moved home after school, spent a year dillydallying, that I realized in my year of grad school, that faith was vital to me. It wasn't something I could separate from, or something I could talk about separately, because my faith was who I was.

During my year of graduate school, I began to understand the idea of being in a real relationship with Christ. I knew that I was supposed to hand my life over to Him, but in reality who actually does that on the first try and with out much reluctance? If you do, than that is awesome, but for me it was a struggle. I found myself wanting to talk to God more, wanting to spend time in His presence. The cheesy cliche's I grew up laughing at were becoming my reality. And it showed in my life. God was proving His faithfulness in my life, and I had no other option than to submit and follow where God lead.

This all leads me to this past April, when I decided to apply for an internship with IJM. I had a basic understanding of what I would be doing, I knew that I would be required to leave my family and friends and home for about a year, but I felt like it was where God was calling me. I didn't realize in the rash decision to apply that it took about 3 months for a decision to be made, with many interviews and essays in between. I didn't realize that I would have to raise thousands of dollars to support myself. I didn't realize all the little things I would have to tie up before I went, but as I started this process, slightly blind to what was coming, God was fully aware.

Things I don't do well at, and have never been great about, are finances and not planning the next step. But God totally knew those were my weak areas, and He saw fit that it was time for me to put my money where my mouth is and to believe His will for my life, even if it wasn't easy. I have always had the "next" thing planned in my life, whether it was a weekend trip, the classes I wanted to take, vacation I hoped to be on, I not only had a 5 year plan, I had a daily plan. So when I applied to IJM and I realized as graduation approached, and all my friends had job opportunities and "plans", I was left saying 'I am waiting and praying to see where my life goes next.' It was uncomfortable, it was hard, I got frustrated, but God used a lot of those times of frustration to teach me and show me, that He works when I fail. I have continued to have to wait, it has been 5 months since I accepted the position, and I don't leave for another 6 weeks, but God has continued to stay faithful.

Finances, I have never had a reason to worry about money. I didn't grow up in the richest house, I always had what I needed and often what I wanted. I traveled, I played sports (not well), I tried random hobbies, so why was finances always a struggle? My dad will tell you, it was passed down from him, and I tend to agree. He was able to take what my parents made (not much) and make it work for us. Although I was young when we struggled the most, this anxiety is still placed within me, and so when I was offered this fellowship my first issue was funding. How am I going to raise $24thousand dollars? How am I going to pay my student loans while I am gone? What about my car payment? And for every question I countered God with He gave me an answer. I don't know that this always happens, and often not the way we expect it, but I believe because I was willing to follow His will he was showing He would provide. My sister in law is taking my car for the year, my student loans are being paid for the year, and my family, friends, and church family have blessed me immensely with their willingness to hear God's call and support me. I am almost fully funded, and it seems any time I start to worry, God likes to joke with me and have an envelope waiting for me in the mail.

This journey that doesn't start until January, actually began a while ago. God has been faithful and provided. He has seen my weak spots and worked with me to trust Him. There are still the days when I worry about money, and I am sure that will never fully be fixed, but I am reminded of His steadfast love for me. I am reminded of it through the prayer and support of my friends and family and church. I feel so grateful for what I have already learned. I feel blessed to know that at the end of me and my abilities, there is a God so much greater than I to take over. And I know this coming year I will get to see Him in action in my life even more. So continue to join me on this journey!

Abigail