From the Top of the Mountain all the Way Back Down

One of the first sermons or talks I heard when I moved to India was based on Marks account of going up to the Mount of Transfiguration. It was during this sermon that I realized God had very intentionally moved me across the world to have my own mountain top experience. That isn't to say that I had never had one before, or that there weren't moments in my spiritual life where I thought 'ah-ha, this is who God is'. In fact if I'm honest, I had many of those moments. I was lucky enough to be able to experience God in many ways, many times over the course of my relatively young life. I was lucky to be raised in a home that was built on the truth of God and showcased His love. I unfortunately missed the part about what happens after you come down from the mountain. I always seemed to leave on the high of wanting to build temples on top and staying there forever, because you know it's safe."

For those of you who need a refresher on the story, it can be found in Mark 9:2-13, but basically Jesus takes Peter, James and John (His inner circle) up to the mountain top where He is transfigured, seen in His proper glory and at one point Elijah and Moses are there. Peter is so in awe and not sure what to say that he suggests building places of worship to commemorate, the way the Jewish festivals suggest doing so. Instead a cloud appears (God is into clouds, hey?) and He tells them to listen to His son, whom He loves. After that Jesus walks down the mountain with them, and tells them not to share this with anyone...yet.

In this case, I am totally Peter. I have seen God this way work in such amazing ways, seen Him provide, walk beside me, and love me even when I was failing, but I have seen Jesus in His full glory. I, like Peter, want to set up a place of worship and never leave. I want to bask in who God is, spending my days worshipping and being in His direct presence. I want to continue to learn on top of the mountain away from the distractions of the town that sits below. But that is because just like Peter, I am scared at what the base of the mountain holds. I am not trusting that this experience will carry me, and continue to teach me.

At one point, I was curious whether I should consider extending my time in India. I have loved my experience, I have loved the people I have gotten to know, I have loved being a part of the work God is doing. I then realized that at the root of it, as much as I loved all the above mentioned things, I was scared that I wouldn't be able to take the things I had learned and bring them home with me. In fact I am still scared of that. My biggest fear in coming home is that all that I have learned this year, and the ways in which I have grown will no longer exist with in me, that by coming down from what I consider to be a mountain top year, I will lose it amongst the surrounding towns. I existed this year without anything defining me but Christ. No one here knows my past, my family all lives thousands of miles away and so although I am still an aunt, daughter, sister, friend, the role looks vastly different and those titles didn't define me or my actions here. My church is thousands of miles away and so my roles in leadership didn't define me here either, though I hold them close to my heart. This year the only thing that defined me was me and ultimately that definition came from who I am in Christ. I have enjoyed some of that freedom, though I am beginning to long to be back in my roles at home. I am just scared that I am not strong enough to take my place in life back and still remember that at the end of the day the only defining factor that matters is who I am in Christ.

Ultimately I think Peter feared similarly. I think he was worried that he had been changed by seeing Christ in His full glory, and he wasn't sure how to translate that back into real life, and so the easiest thing to do was to set up home on the mountain top. But God himself spoke to Peter as well as James and John and told them to listen to His son whom He loved. Jesus tells them not to share that experience, yet. I don't believe He didn't want it ever shared but I think there is a wisdom in waiting for the right time, in being able to understand all of what you learned before you are shouting it at anyone that passes by. I in the same way don't expect that everyone at home is going to want to listen to the nitty gritty details of this year, one of the reasons being is a year away is a lot longer than you think. I do think that Christ knew that others would see the difference in these three dudes, who belonged to His inner circle, and I can only hope that at the bottom of the mountain others will see the difference in me.

The last exciting part to me about all of this is, that Christ on that mountain could have gone to heaven. He could have been taken up in a cloud like Elijah, but rather He knew the prophesy and what was needed to complete His mission on earth. He also could have stayed longer on that mountain top to spend time in communion with His father, but instead He walked down the mountain with Peter, James and John, and stayed with them until His death, and then until His ascension before sending the Holy Spirit. I have learned and continue to learn that this year is the end of a chapter, I'm not sure of exactly what. I do know that it is time for me to come down from this mountain top and to take what I learned and let it affect my life so that others may see the difference. I am a bit scared about that, there are fears I wish I could fully explain or understand, but the truth is that in the end Jesus is walking down the mountain with me and He will stay with me. I am not alone. I am still learning so much, and will be learning from this experience for years to come, but as God said, I will do what His son whom He loves says, I will trust in Him.

See most of you in just about 3 weeks. Please be praying as I begin this transition, that I would continue to trust in Jesus. That I would continue to remember that He is walking with me, that there is purpose in His plan. Thanks for joining this journey <3

Remember When...

....I wrote one of my first blog posts while being away? I believe it was like 3 maybe 4 weeks in, when I realized God had so intentionally moved me here and placed me here to change me, to lead me, to teach me so much more than I ever could have imagined. Now, here I sit towards the end of my time in India (at least for now), and have way too much time to reflect on this year, and the future. I have always been an over thinker and that really hasn't changed this year, but a lot of other things have. I have found that my worth comes from one place and that is from God. I have learned that no matter how many times I stumble or forget or intentionally don't do what God is directing, He is still pursuing me. I have found that away from all the things that I thought defined me, I am still similar but at the same time vastly different. I have seen the way that my extroverted side exhausts me and has made my introverted tendencies to become glaringly obvious, and me time has become essential. I have noticed that when my life seems to be unbalanced, I seem to be over emotional and worried it's in direct correlation to where I am in allowing time for God daily. I have seen friendships grow, which make the idea of leaving painful. I have learned that I could see myself living abroad again, and that what I once thought was impossible is actually some days quite comfortable. I have learned, seen, realized, and been taught so much. Some of the things I have learned or continue to learn, I don't know that I will see it's fruit for a while. I know that this year has changed me. Maybe not to the eye, maybe not even upon a quick conversation, no the change this year is so deeply rooted it stems from my core. I pray that these things will continue to take shape, will continue to grow, and that I will continue to see the change that God has intended for me. He told me in the beginning of the year, that none of the things that I did at home before I left were bad, that none of my relationships were bad, that what defined was bad, but rather God told me that being rooted in Him would make it all even better. Please pray for me friends, as I see these changes take shape, as I take time to reflect on this year, as I prepare for the future, that in the in that all that God has in store for me would come to fruition.

Dear India

Dear India,

I don’t know when it happened, but somewhere along the way I fell in love with you. Not ‘puppy love’ or a high school love. Rather I fell head over heels, heart beating fast, butterflies in my stomach kind of love with you. It didn’t happen right away, instead when I first arrived I felt nervous, you piqued my interest, but I was scared to be leaving my comfort zone. I guess I should be more specific though, although I do love India, in particular I fell in love with ‘my city’. It’s maybe not a city that at first glance has obvious good looks but if you’re willing to get to know it, it is more handsome because of its quirks. The slightly crooked nose or the deep set eyes that on their own could be seen as ‘off’ rather makes it to be quite attractive. I have seen a lot of India, not a ton in the grand scheme of its size, but enough to get an idea of what there is to be offered here, and it just further proved how in love I had fallen. I would miss the culture ‘my city’ offered while I was away. I missed the people who have become my ‘home town’. That was something I was scared I would miss living somewhere that had so many people, but have recently realized you have allowed me to create a community all my own. From the ladies who sell flowers outside my apartment, the guards at my apartment, the guards at work, the shop keeper down the street, the staff at our ‘regular’ restaurants, my daily auto driver home, the old lady who is always outside to wave at me when I get home, I have found my own small town. For these small things I have fallen a little bit harder.

Things that once drove me insane, and still push me over the edge on certain days, have me amazed at your ability to stay so unique in a world that is quickly growing smaller and more similar. Your sounds, many types of transportation, food carts, and traditional clothing help me understand you and the culture so much more. It also makes me feel a part of something so much bigger than myself.

Although I am still stared at, for the most part you have opened your arms and welcomed me in a way I never expected. I rarely feel unsafe, rather I feel like I have a whole city looking out for me. The guards at work have been the most tangible example of this, never letting me get my own auto home but rather fighting for me to always only pay meter or a fair price, another way I feel accepted is when I answer a simple question with a yes in Tamil and the driver asks “you speak tamil?” and I answer smiling and laughing “no, sir” and we laugh together. The way you ‘my city’ have opened your arms and made me feel at home, so far away from my home, has made me fall a little deeper in love.

So how is it that my heart can love two places so much, and how do I figure out how to handle what surely will lead to heartbreak in just a few months. I can’t imagine a life where I don’t eat with my hands, where my head movements tell you yes or no, where I have to fight for a fair price to get home, or where even breakfast is spicy. I am trying to stay present as you my love have asked and require to fully enjoy life, but my mind betrays me often. I am nervous to leave you, praying that our love is strong enough to beat the test of time and distance. I know this isn’t my last time in this country or even in this city that has become ‘my city’. I couldn’t be separated from half of my heart for the rest of my life. To you India, you have stolen my heart, and I happy for you to keep it.

That Time I Got My PHD.

I think it's evident, but let me just reiterate, I absolutely love my team. Don't get me wrong, the entire office is full of amazing people, but being able to see my teammates work up close, watching them be the rockstars that they truly are, I feel blessed to be working with them. Yesterday the office, as a whole, took the time to also recognize how great they think our team is as well. (Don't worry, they're working through the whole office, yesterday was aftercares day) It was such a sweet time, where those who work with the clients for two years post rescue and offer rehabilitation that ends with a graduation, were offered a graduation of their own. The admin team did an amazing job, picking words that accurately describe my teammates, having coworkers read words about their love, compassion, dedication, and the list goes on and on. It's tough some days, and the rehabilitation process is a long road, but I was so happy to watch as my teammates were honored and recognized as the amazing people that they are.

So when did I get a PHD? Well, that was what the aftercare team was given during graduation were honorary PHD's from IJM, and even the interns and fellows were not left out. Now, I have sat through my fair share of graduations, have worked hard and spent long hours striving for that piece of paper, have loved meeting and making friendships and relationships along the way, but nothing compares to the graduation I was a part of yesterday. It was one of the sweetest times in my life, and will long be held as one of my favorite moments of my life. I was given the PHD of personality, offering the team time to laugh, but also recognized for the work I contribute. I will probably never get a real life PHD, and I have already forgotten the speeches given at all of my real school graduations, but yesterdays ceremony was one I will never forget. From the paper hats, to the diplomas, the advocate robes, and the silly speeches, love was shown throughout.

I was so honored to be sitting up in front amongst the people who aren't only my team but who have also become my family. I love being able to pray and stand together in the depths but I also love celebrating in the triumphs. I love walking in knowing that if something is weighing on my heart, I have a support system. I love watching my team in action when a kid or family is in need, they jump through hoops and help with such humble hearts. They each deserved the 'PHD' that they received, in my eyes they deserve the world. Through out life, I have often felt out of place or as though I don't belong, but here I have never felt that. They have opened their arms wide and accepted me and welcomed me as one of them. They have taken a chance on letting a girl, who although has some education, is also kind of a crazy pants be a part of their team. I feel truly blessed to have received my 'PHD' with these lovely lifelong friends sitting next to me.

Here are some pictures, I will upload more on Facebook so check them out!

How I Got the Job of Ordering Pizza

I don't write enough about just random happenings in my life here. Nor do I really tell funny stories or replay day to day activities. I think mostly because life becomes so routine that I forget to write or I say I'll do it later. I figured I haven't posted in a while and I might as well share what it is like to order food here in India. In my house I have become the designated orderer because I somehow have managed to find favor with the delivery gods (that's a joke, I know there are no delivery gods).

Mostly it started because I wanted pizza relatively early on in my time. I researched where would deliver to our residence and found that pizza hut or dominos are close enough and so that should be easy enough. Let me just tell you that everywhere delivers here - mcdonalds, kfc, fruit shop (fruit juices and milkshakes), bus tickets, amazon (which you can pay upon delivery), and as long as you can explain where you live you are totally set. The problem with explaining where you live is that most people don't use addresses, like at all. You give your address but the most important part are the landmarks you live near. I spend much time saying near here, opposite here, close to here, etc. At first this seems strange but as you learn the makeup of this city it makes total sense, and is way easier to navigate via landmarks. So once I felt confident of our address, the landmarks near by, and which pizza place I was calling I set forth on my attempt to order dinner. To say the first attempt was a complete fail would be an understatement, but you see I am persistent, and when I am no longer hungry for tikka masala I will fight for my pizza. The first month of so of ordering ended up with multiple people on the line, being hung up on often, and me asking random strangers in my apartment complex to speak to the delivery guy. I mean my roommates would gather around while I ordered and get their entertainment for the night (hey there isn't always a ton to do here - don't judge us).

I wish I could explain this in more detail, it really was just me repeating the name of our street and the major landmark near us over and over. The person on the phone telling me they were losing connection (that is a total lie = ] ). The next major challenge was even though I spent 20+ minutes explaining where I lived to the person on the phone that information was somehow never given to the delivery man, and so 45 mins later while they were at the closest signal, I would spend another 20 minutes (literally) explaining how to come the half mile to my apartment. We live on a major road, but it somehow was always a comedy of errors. BUT here I am 7 months later able to call pizza hut, dominos, and a place called zaitoons (which serves Mediterranean food) with ease thanks to my months of hard work at attaching the proper address to my phone number. What this does mean is that anytime someone in my house wants to order something it's my job, and so i am pretty convinced domino's thinks I eat their pizza 4 nights a week, when really it's only twice haha shhh. I also have the confidence to call new places to order, and when I am in a patient mood I go for it. I think I have really gotten my Indian accent and annunciation down, lol!

His Eye is on the Sparrow.

Before coming to India, actually before finding out I had gotten the fellowship in India, there was little I was worried about. I was the most confident I had ever been in my life that this was the plan God had for my life, and for someone who is terrible at decision making, that says a lot. Once I was offered the fellowship, I began to worry, not about whether I should go or not, more about the logistics really. I worried about being away that long, money, community, etc. but I didn't realize then that when God calls you, He doesn't leave you. I have been shown over and over the reality of my worth over a sparrows, and the fact that if Christ knows the number of hairs on my head how much does He truly care about the "small things" in my life.

Whenever I have been interviewed and been asked what my biggest weakness is (which of course needs to really be a hidden strength) I have answered my struggle with endings. I spin it, that I care so much about x,y,and z that ending the relationship, whether it be with other people, an organization, etc. to be extremely difficult. A lot of this stems from the fact that I am terrible with change. So before coming to India my biggest fear was with the amount of inconsistency it would add to my life. It would be another non permanent position, where I would invest in relationships that would eventually be split up, and the idea that the interns and fellows changed twice in my time was a bit scary. I knew that if God was calling me though, He would sustain me.

The first round of intern/fellows left in May, and it was a bit challenging, there were 2 girls, one of which I lived with, who finished their time and were heading home. After only knowing them about 4 months it was hard to see someone I would have loved to get to know more go. I struggled and began fretting what the next round of goodbyes would look like. The next round of goodbye's started last week, and they will go on until the end of August, and in total 7 interns and fellows will be finishing their time here and heading home. It has been hard. These are people I have spent the last 6+ months with, working, eating, playing, resting, stressing, talking to. I have had serious meltdowns, and extreme bouts of joy (just ask them about my smile when I had starbucks it was bordering on creepy). I have opened my heart and shared some of my personal struggles, and my greatest triumphs. I have heard their stories, learned from them, sough wisdom in them, and overall formed a family with them.

It wasn't until this past weekend, when talking to one of the girls I live with, who will leave in August, when I realized just how much God has cared for me. He knew the details of the group before placing me in this city. He knew the office culture, the dynamics, the personalities, the situations, and who I would need support from, to learn from, to be friends with. Our God who created the earth, is freeing slaves, and offers healing, also cares about my "little things" and not just mine but each of ours. God has gone before me, and continues to do so to prepare the path that I am called to. He doesn't just call us to leave us, but rather He is there to walk with us and sustain us, as long as we are willing to heed His call. This hasn't been an easy lesson, rather one I still struggle with, but I have just seen how evident His love is for me in the way He has taken care of things that seem so minute to others.

I have been lucky enough to be surrounded by some of the loveliest people for the last 6+ months, and it is a real struggle to see them go, but Christ isn't going to leave me at this point. He hasn't brought me this far to watch me fall. Also these friendships that have been built are ones that are foundational to my time here and crucial to a lot of the growth I have experienced thus far, and so I know that distance won't harm them at all. It is so encouraging to know that God has a plan much bigger than what think, and to realize that although He tells us to take enough manna just for the day, He has a plan to sustain us for all the days to come!

Here are some pics of you to understand how lucky I have been to be with these crazy kids who are getting ready to head home in the next couple of weeks. You will see that God knew what He was doing when He placed us all here, we kind of fit together in a weird jigsaw puzzle kind of way!

To the Wee Ones (my nieces and nephews)

To my 10 (almost 12) beautiful nieces and nephews, I want to start by saying, I love you something fierce. I have felt so blessed to be your aunt, to see you grow from little babies to beautiful kids with hearts of gold. You each inspire me daily, make me laugh, and teach me things far beyond your years. In fact, I love you as if you were my own. I am sure my friends both here in India and at home are tired of me sharing stories of you being cute, stubborn, or straight up hysterical, but that won't stop me from talking even when no one is listening. I hope you know that you are never far from my thoughts, you are actually very central to my daily routine.

There are so many things I wish I could tell you guys, but seeing as you range in age from 2 to 8, some of the things I pray for, hope for, long for, for you might not make a ton of sense. I want you to know that being away from you for the last 6 months, has been one of the hardest things for me to do. Sure I miss family gatherings, church services, my friends and my bed, but you are at the top of the list. I wish I could fully explain to you what I am doing here and what this year means to me, but someday you will, and then it will all make sense. I am so thankful for your mommies and your daddies, your grandma and grandpa, and all of our family who are telling you about me, so that you don't forget who I am when I return this December. I am so happy to have the notes that each of you wrote me before I left, encouraging me daily. I hope you know that I am learning so much, and I can't wait to share it with you in due time.

What does me being in India have to do with you? Well, I wondered the same thing for a bit, and while the sole purpose is following God's call in my life, and working in an area I am so passionate about, at the root of it I am finding there is more. I hope that the courage I have grown to be able to face this year is transferable to you, that you too may feel free to follow your dreams and God's plan wherever it may take you, whether it be to stay in New York or to live in Japan. I pray that the internal strength that I am fostering, will be evident to you so that you too can face scary things in your life, things that may seem impossible. I pray you see my love and dedication to Christ, the one who made us and sustains us, so that you too may walk in His will, and grow closer to Him. It's not easy missing birthday parties, family get togethers, and major milestones, but if it means that I am becoming a better me than in the end it is worth it. I want to be the best me so that I can share it with you. I want to be your fun crazy aunt, who lets you eat too much sugar, and stay up way too late, but I also want to lead you, to show you that God's plan is the perfect plan, I want to offer you the best of me in order to help you grow into the best of you.

So when you tell me to come home because you miss me, or you ask me if we can have a sleepover, the answer is yes. So many yeses but it will just have to wait a few more months, for God has called me to be here to further His call for justice. God has called me to be here to fall deeper in love and need with Him. God has called me to be here to realize that my worth is in Him and He is the only comfort zone I need. I will be so ready to come home to see you when God calls me back to Cohoes, and it's you I look forward to seeing most. I can't wait to be another great example of God to you, and to join your parents and our 'tribe' in raising you into the Godly young woman and men I know you to be. So I am sorry I am not there right now, and I know it feels like forever, but soon sweet wee ones I will be home loving you with so many hugs you will want to get away from me, but for now I must continue on this part of my journey.

And little ones, if you have a dream to travel the world or to stay at home they are both so important, I hope that along with your parents direction in following Gods call, mine is another example. I hope you know I am loving my time here, I am making friends here, and letting my roots grow here, but I am never far from you, you're always on my mind.

I love you, Bubby

Please Allow Me to Introduce You!

Oh friends, this post is long overdue. I should have taken the time to introduce you to my team here in India months ago. I am a part of the aftercare team (in case you weren't sure) and obviously I am bias, but I believe they are the best team a girl could have asked for in this experience! So please let me introduce you to them, and give you an idea of the superhero's I get to work with daily! Here are some pictures.

(Front row right to left: Tasha, Loretta, Pranitha, Helen, Solomon. - Middle row left to right: Helen, Abbey, Becky, Leah. -Back row right to left: Barna, Stephen, Sonali.)

Pranitha was the fearless director of this team for the last ten years, and just recently left to continue her work for justice at another organization. She is tiny in stature but is larger than life, and has a powerful voice for those without one. She lead our team with fierce strength, and we miss her much, but are continuing to work hard and make great strides for our clients.

Tasha, is possibly one of the sweetest girls you will ever meet, she has a huge smile and heart, and one of the most beautiful voices I have ever heard She is our teams admin, and without her we would be lost. She is always willing to lend a hand, explain excel (I struggle sometimes) and encourage us along the way.

Loretta began working with IJM just this past December but is full of knowledge and passion which makes her fit right in. She is currently our acting director, and has handled the transition and stress with much grace. She is also doing the work of a case manager, overseeing clients rehabilitation, and doing so with a smile on her face.

Helen, I consider her to be regal, she is always so beautiful and so full of grace in all that she does. She takes me silly banter and gives it right back to me. A lot of her cases have health issues, and that means doctor appointments and follow ups and often frustrations, though there is a lot of joy as well. She is eager to always learn, and just embraces her clients with such an open heart that is full of so much love.

Solomon has one of the largest case loads in numbers, and although he often finds himself overwhelmed he is one of the most dedicated people I have ever had the pleasure of knowing. If he is able he will do anything in his power to see his clients succeed and if he can't do it he will work hard to find someone who can. He is also one of the Ukelele boys, and if your lucky enough to hear them play it's lots of fun!

Barnabas is one of the funniest guys I know. Becky calls him Barnacle and in turn he calls us things like 'trouble' and 'tornado'. He is dedicated and strong in his work. He is passionate about justice and the call that has been placed on his life. He oversees our freedom trainings and leads with confidence that is to be admired. With cases of his own he sees a need and is ready to face it head on to ensure that our clients receive what they are due and more. He is also a ukelele boy! I will have to upload a video of them!

Stephen is our newest case manager though he has been part of the team for a while. He started out overseeing events, but because he is so awesome and finally realized how amazing social work is he has been promoted. He oversees one of our largest and furthest away project area. He is someone who quiet at first (i think that is an act haha) is full of a ton of wisdom, and great observation skills. He is a problem solver, and we are so lucky to have him on our team.

Gladys is our government benefits liaison, she spends days in government offices, submitting petitions and advocating on behalf of our clients. She works tirelessly to ensure that our clients have the essentials they need when starting fresh in a life of freedom. Her tenacity is something to be admired.

Not pictured is Limma, because he just began working with us a couple months back, but he works with Stepehen. He is quite quiet in the office, but is super smart and full of knowledge. He speaks a bunch of languages, and is always observing which are some pretty important skills in these parts. He has been a great addition to our team.

Sonali is a volunteer with our department, she just finished her bachelors in psychology and is going to get her masters this fall in the UK. She is hard working, willing to do whatever the team needs, and is an insanely quick learner.

Becky, Leah and I, each have our own roles though we are mostly there as support. For Leah, this is her second year with the team and she is super passionate about the cause and our clients. She has a masters in social work and is smart and has tons of experience that she is so generous to share = ].She works with both Stephen and Loretta, as well as overseeing our database and such! Becky has a bachelors in psychology, and has pretty much decided that a masters in social work is the next step (I mean come on who would't? haha). She is energetic, willing to help anywhere and great with kids. She currently helps Gladys and Solomon, and I know they both appreciate her dedication a ton. As for me, I work with Helen and Barna, doing whatever they ask and I love it. I love to see their dedication and to learn from their experience

There is so much more I could say about each one and it would take a book to have it written down. This team is hard working, full of love and compassion and the calling to bring justice to this world. They work long hours, sometimes every day of the week. They take calls at all hours of the day and night, buttttt they are also some of the most fun people full of joy and laughter and jokes. I feel so lucky to be a part of this team, to learn from them, to get to know them, to be able to call them friends. God knew what he was doing when He placed me here, and for that I am thankful daily. I wish that all of you at home (or wherever you are) could meet each of them personally, to see their smiles, to experience the pain, to revel in the joy that comes with being a part of this team, but since that's not really possible I hope sharing them with you this way, gives you an idea of superhero's I am surrounded by. This team is in this for the long haul, for the days that seem never ending, and for the joys that make it worth it. When slavery is history in India these amazing people will be in the books as being a huge part of it.

Although there are days when I miss my family, I feel so blessed to call my team my family. My heart will always be a part of this place, and for that I am forever thankful to 'my team'!

Thanks for joining the journey friends <3

A Day Late and a Dollar Short. (a list for my dad)

To my dad who loves me, even when I don't feel lovable.

To my dad who cares for me in the deepest way.

To my dad who forgets that I broke my wrist, but remembers my order at McDonalds.

To my dad who will still take care of me when I'm sick.

To my dad who knows when it's a 'I need a slushy' kind of day.

To my dad who loves more deeply than anyone else I know.

To my dad who is more forgiving than someone who hasn't been wronged.

To my dad who shows mercy is one of his greatest gifts.

To my dad who instilled my desire to travel.

To my dad who doesn't love that I have left, but understands why.

To my dad who says spread your wings, but your house is always waiting.

To my dad who speaks truth even when it is out of style.

To my dad who yodels at the most embarrassing moments.

To my dad who always picks up the accents of where he is traveling.

To my dad who can make a sermon out of almost all life's circumstances.

To my dad who likes to take his shortcuts.

To my dad who says it's a light travel year and then leaves the country twice.

To my dad who is 61 and still has huge dreams that he will eventually complete.

To my dad who finally gave in and let me get my nose pierced.

To my dad who says after each tattoo, 'I don't love you anymore or any less than I did before'.

To my dad who even when he's tired he is the first to take his grandkids in the pool.

To my dad who opens his house to everyone.

To my dad who treats all people, regardless of life choices, equally.

To my dad who cried the whole way home, after dropping me off from college.

To my dad who I am not ashamed to say is one of the people I am closest to in life.

To my dad who supports my insane ideas, and helps me pursue them.

To my dad who even when I am being mean and gross still treats me with kindness.

To my dad who has had reasons to lose his cool with me, has offered me grace.

To my dad who encourages gifts I am scared to share.

To my dad who I am so grateful to have.

Dad, you are truly such an example of so many things. You have shown me how to love, to listen, to be open to learning, to enjoy the adventure, to see the beauty. You have shown me that when life gets hard you can still stay steady. You dad are someone I hope to be like. I hope to have the mercy, compassion, and true concern you have for others. You have already given me the ability to make friends with any strangers, the love of culture, the gift of teaching. You are an example, and I am proud to be your daughter. I hope that you know I love you so much, and that I am forever grateful for all that you have done for me. I am grateful for the patience you have shown me. I am grateful for your willingness to let me go into the world and form my own identity, but also to still be waiting when I need my dad. I am sorry I couldn't be home this year, but we knew that would happen someday, we knew God called me to something this year. And although at the beginning you questioned whether I would stick with the whole year in India, I will forgive you and remember that you were the first to say my flesh doesn't like it but my spirit understands. I love you dad, may you feel love and appreciated every day of the year!

Love,

your littlest girl <3

Just Like My Mother

You've asked and I've answered, never fully in truth, not just to you but also to myself. Mother's day doesn't actually affect me, nor does her birthday passing, or any other date like that. It does draw more attention to the day in and day out missing her, the feelings I often push so far down, and give little light too. It isn't that I don't want to think of her, in fact lately I think of her more often than not, but it still hurts, and I had to allow myself to know it was okay that it still hurts. So, yes, I answered you I am fine when mother's day comes around, because I am, but also I miss my mom fiercely everyday.

I think one of the reasons I have missed her most more recently, it is so easy to see my mom in my sisters. To see the way they parent, the way they love their children, to see the logic they use in their decision making. It is easiest to see it in my sister Kaity, who shares the same heart that my mother had, similar looks, and a voice that is more similar than most of ours. Growing up, I was always told I looked like my mom, and I can thank the blonde hair, blue eyes, and ever tanning skin for that. But as I have gotten older, I have found it harder to see where I have things in common with the mamma who prayed for me, loved me, and raised me. That's not said to gain sympathy, rather a fact of where I have been, and in part probably because I only got to know my mom as a thirteen year old girl and there was so much left to learn. In the last couple of years, I have began searching who my mother was, the woman she was before she had children, the one who led with fierce strength, the one who would do anything for her child. It has been a journey, but one I am thankful to be able to know. I may not learned of my mom's strengths and trials from her alone, but rather from stories passed down, or observations of the way others carry her legacy on, but I have been learning and for that I am thankful.

Now a days, I tend to look like a fairly solid mix of my mom and dad, though my blue eyes give way to my mom's beauty, and I am outgoing and love meeting new people, which tends to be more of my dad's character, so how do I reflect my mom? The one thing I learned through everything about my mom, no matter what she faced and she faced a lot in her too short life, she faced it with strength. If you had asked me even just six months ago if I had internal strength I think I would have said no, but my mom knew different, even from when I was young. I have found in my time here that I have a personal strength that I didn't think was possible, that facing tasks whether small or large I am able to deal with them, that strength was learned from my mom. My ability to publicly speak and tell stories (sorry dad, you aren't great at story telling) comes from my mom, who could make you weep by applying simple stories to life's greatest questions. Although my outgoing personality tends to side with my dad, my quick wit and sense of humor comes straight from my mom. My mom wasn't someone who gave away her belly laughs easily, but when you earned one you felt pride, and for that I thank her. But for me I think the biggest thing I have gotten from my mom is the ability to love those who feel unloved. My mom taught with her life, how to show true empathy, and because of that and those skills she taught so naturally, I am able to do what I am doing here in India. Lately, it's true I have felt left out as my sisters are compared to my mom, mostly because I love her so much I want nothing more than to emulate her, but even though I only had her for a short period I was given so much. I know that a mother's work is never done and even though she isn't here physically to keep teaching, I know through others as well as through the characteristics I picked up with out realizing it will show more and more as my life goes on. I am thankful that I had a mom who I want to emulate and I am thankful that I have woman in my life who continue to show me strength, and humor, and love, because without all the woman in my life I wouldn't be where I am today.

As a side note, I hope that wherever you are this mother's day, whether you are celebrating or grieving, whether you are surrounded by loved ones or you are all alone, I hope you know to someone - whether by birth or by circumstance you are a leader, someone who is teaching younger girls their worth, their strength, and their capabilities, keep on teaching, someday they will remember who taught them!

****also, sorry this is terribly written, just some thoughts I have been having as I think about today and what it means to so many.****

The Sickness That Never Ends...Until It Does!

As many of you know, about 2 months back, I got super sick over about a five day period. I had a high fever, bad abdominal cramps and was worried about dehydration and such. Thankfully, that ended and all was well in my world again. Unfortunately since then I have had couple day periods where I would not feel great, not as bad as before, but not well at all. Finally, last week after 3 long days in the heat with not a ton of water or food, I started to feel ill again. It persisted for about 5 days and I decided to see a doctor. He was super sweet, and kind but chalked it up to dehydration, which I felt was a symptom at this point not the cause. The next day I went to a hospital here to seek more answers. After navigating my way through registering, waiting, paying, and getting tests done, the doctor felt like he knew what was going on. I was scheduled the next day for a colonoscopy (which I didn't expect to have until I was old and definitely not in India) and a gastroscopy. Both went very smoothly and were done with no issue. Today I went to meet with my doctor again and get some medicine to begin treating me. It seems that I have colitis, which is common in western countries and young caucasians, and I was lucky enough to get it. I have started some medications to calm this flare up to even out and hopefully in a week will be on a regular med schedule. I have to meet with my doctor once more next week to review the biopsy report from the tests yesterday, where hopefully we can understand what type of colitis this is, whether it is an issue of a parasite I had before, or because of genetics and it's ulcerative. I wanted to wait until I had some answer to share this all with you. This has been a really tough last two weeks, and I know God has a lot to teach me through it. I just ask that you would continue to keep my health in prayer, I feel useless being at home in bed and I am getting bored, pray we find the right meds, give the doctor continued wisdom, and mentally just pray that this no longer has a hold on me and my call here. Thank you so much for supporting me and loving me, and joining me on this adventure! <3

The Countless Things I Have Learned

Friends, it has been too long since the last time I wrote and for that I am sorry. Time has this weird way of slipping through my fingers, while some days feel they may never end. On that note, I looked at an app on my phone and it told me I have been in India for 109 days, which is 1/3 of my time here! How that happened, I have honestly no idea!

I often don't feel like I have a ton to say and that has a part of why I don't write, this city I live in, though exotic and different then anything I have ever known, has quickly become my home and my life, and so day to day has a rhythm similar to living anywhere in the world, I think. But since we are at such a big time mark regarding my length of stay here, I thought I would share some things I have learned in my short stay so far!

1. Squatty potties are easily used once you understand the art form.

2. Light skin and light hair, will make almost all babies here cry.

3. I love spicy food, and even more I love eating it with my hands! (Rice and all, I may eat pasta with my hands eventually!)

4. The car horns, although loud and overwhelming, actually have a meaning most of the time, and it's not something that can be taught you just have to pick up what each blast means. It sounds tricky, but really you understand it quicker than you'd think.

5. I don't need McDonald's french fries in my life, or really any fast food or fountain soda.

6. "Designer" pizza (domino's, pizza hut, etc.) will give you the taste of home if you need it.

7. There are certain days where it's okay to spend way more than you normally would on groceries, in order to have vermont cheddar cheese, and sour cream.

8. I crave red meat more than I thought I did at home.

9. I can banter and bobble my head with the auto's with the best of them.

10. I have way more inner strength than I ever thought possible.

11. God is so much closer than I ever gave Him credit for.

12. My family and support system is so much stronger than I ever believed it to be.

13. My personal worth is being found daily.

14. Family are the people you surround yourself with and who support you, blood or not.

15. I still love this country as much as the first day I arrived, though I still get frustrated some days.

16. Just because this is God's will for my life, doesn't make it easy, in fact I struggle often.

17. Through the struggle I have grown so much.

18. Missing home is something that never goes away, but eventually you find a way to realize that where you are is your home.

19. Don't drink the tap water...or eat at a restaurant your instincts say no to, believe me I found out the hard way.

20. Always bring toilet paper with you, otherwise you can use the sprayer or wiggle = ]

So this is a glimpse of some of the things I am learning about myself, about my surroundings, about my abilities and my weaknesses, and although I feel like I have learned a ton I know I still have so much more to learn.

Since my last update, Kaitlyn visited which was amazing and so awesome to have someone see my life here and to have a glimpse of what it's like. I traveled to Kerala, and stayed on a house boat which was so amazing, have been working, building relationships, and planning Shawna's visit in July! Things are going over all well! I would just ask that you pray for our team, we are very over extended in work and need some positions filled. I ask for prayer in our office as our field office director gets ready to leave and our new one gets ready to take over. Personally, just pray for my health I have had some stomach issues and such, and also just for this period of time in general. This 3 and 4 month mark often are the time of struggling and I can definitely sense it a bit, not wanting to return home but I am restless a bit, and definitely feel some spiritual stuff. And finally just pray for travel, over the next few months I will be traveling all over India and Asia, so as I prepare and go, just for logistics and safety. I miss you all and love you tons!

A Constant Struggle

I went on a rescue. That's how this struggle began. I expected to feel things being on a rescue, to have a front row seat to peoples hurts. I didn't expect to walk away questioning myself so much. Let me explain. See, part of a rescue is about ten minutes that the laborers have to pack all their belonging. It's not like they have a ton of personal things. I knew this part would come, where we would quickly help pack up the lives of those being rescued in pursuit of freedom on the other side. For most this is the first time they are meeting us, and they are so excited at being helped that there is little question, just anxious packing. And in the middle of this scene it hits me, oh my gosh they just packed their whole life in a few bags in a couple of minutes. There were so many things stirring inside of me, and I had to take a step back and tell myself to process it later.

It's been about 5 weeks since that day, where I watched men and woman decide whether a plastic broken jug was worth the extra space, or the rusted pan was worth the weight. It's been about 5 weeks since my chest tightened and I was overwhelmed with emotions to big for myself to carry or understand. It's true, I was overwhelmed by how little and how easy it was to pack up their lives. I caught myself feeling sad for them, and realized that at the opportunity for freedom, from people they don't know, was worth leaving behind the unnecessary in order to have a better life. This quickly turned personal, and was no longer about the laborers themselves, but rather what this looked like for myself.

Every day since I have learned who Christ is, which has been the majority of my memory filled life, I have had the opportunity to live in a life of freedom. Christ has offered me daily to leave behind my broken jugs, and rusted pans, in order to live a more fulfilling life in freedom. But have I chosen that route? Have I lived as though I am in freedom? Have I left behind the things that were holding me back from the other side? I thought so, had you asked me 3 months ago if I unlike the rick young ruler, had given up everything to live for Christ, the answer would have been a huge resounding YES! I have given up my life, my comfort, my friends, my family, etc. Until I got here and I realized how dependent on those things I truly was. Now I see that maybe I am more like the rich young ruler than I ever thought.

I would rather hold onto my broken jug, or a relationship than take Christ up on His offer of freedom. I would rather keep my rusted pan, or "control" over my life than have the treasure I am promised in heaven. As these thoughts started right as lent was starting, I decided to make this part of my Lenten journey. Instead of giving up some sort of food, or something like that, or add a new bible study, and feel guilt over the fact I failed multiple times, or feel like I had to participate, I made it my goal to spend lent preparing myself to accept the freedom I was offered by Christ dying on the cross for me. I am taking intentional time to figure out what it is that has be staying bonded to the life I live as a human, and working on leaving those behind, trusting that in Christ I will have the freedom promised. I know that I haven't given my family to God, a topic a youth group kid and I struggled with together. I want to protect my family members and although I am not perfect, I feel I can do a better job than God, and so giving up control is hard. I know that things like my internet, or my phone, are things that if asked I should be able to leave behind. These things shouldn't be conditions with which I hold over the decision between living the way I am and living free.

So, I will continue to pinpoint the things that hold me back, the things I would not be willing to leave behind. I will continue journeying towards the cross, where freedom was gained for me. I will continue to struggle with choices but I know that on the other side there is a promise of freedom in Jesus, and if I would just be willing to trust Him (who I know) than it is mine for the taking.

Thanks for joining the journey, friends.

This is life.

So, I have a couple of posts about life that I am still working on, but have heard from a few people that my updates are infrequent and they would like to know more. Here I am obliging to the request!

Life is good, like really good, like comfortably good. This isn't to say I don't miss home or things or people but I honestly couldn't ask for a more contented feeling where I am. I have figured out how to get around on my own, in fact the idea of getting a scooter has crossed my mind once or twice. I have started planning some getaways, with a trip to Kerala and Sri Lanka on the horizon next month. I am looking forward to kaitlyn coming to visit me, and seeing my life here.

At work I am in a stride and it's going well. I work with two case managers who are just amazing, and so I accompany them on home visits and other outings as well as helping in the office with data entry and the things of the sort. My social life is more active here than it ever was at home, and thankfully I am sharing this experience with some of the greatest people who feel so strongly about what we do, the interns and fellows pretty much rock.

I have been terrible at keeping in touch, and that goes for everyone, including the people I am closest with. I struggle with retelling the same story over and over, and honestly India makes me exhausted. Everything I do here is sensory overload, in that walking outside I am stared at, begged, negotiating the proper fare for my auto ride. It is crowded, loud, and hot, but I have begun to think of it as a soundtrack to this part of my life, and I really like it (well, most of the time). I promise I am trying to be better at staying in touch, but feel free to email me, facebook me, and I will return the response!

One of the favorite things I get to do, is go to our field directors office each week, to have dinner with his wife, who is so lovely and gracious to host us and be real with us. That time each week is like a breath of fresh air and really centers me.

Guess what!?!?! I had my first birthday away from home, and it was so amazing. I was awoken by my roommates with a sheet full of balloons being dropped on me, and informed that pancakes were being made. I skyped with my dad and sister and 2 of my nephews, who let me know they missed me (secretly that made me happy, I don't want them to forget me! I know, I know i'm selfishly terrible, kill me). At work they sang to me, we had doughnuts, had a lovely lunch, had my desk space decorate, and was made to wear a beautiful pink sparkly hat. To end the night we went to dinner at a place I got to eat hummus at, holla! Then we completed the celebration with amazing ice cream and a rare find in the nicest auto driver ever! I am so thankful to have the group of people I do here, my time is amazing because they are great. So, I guess 24 doesn't look too terrible, especially with the year I have planned!

I hope you are all doing well. I miss you all a ton and would love to hear how things are, so write me! Continue to pray for the work, my coworkers and team, and for me. I will keep praying for all of you, much love! Oh, crazy I have been here almost 2 months, when did that happen?

Dependence.

I knew that in my year away, things would change, I would change. How can you not expect differences? For your life to be changed? For your values to be challenged? I came though fully expecting all of this, but didn't realize it would be made clear so early on. Within days of being in India the word dependence was clearly being used more often than normal. My devotions discussed relying and trusting God, a speaker at church talked of the disciples need for dependence on Christ, and I started to reflect on what this all meant.

I am an honest person, with others and with myself, I am willing to recognize when I have flaws (most of the time). So after weeks of struggling with my current issue, I decided to share it, for prayer, support, understanding, or maybe you are in a similar place. I have realized I am overly dependent. I hate taking credit for things, scared of being the leader of projects, worried when others have expectations based on my sole performance. So, for the last however many years, I have gotten very good at hiding or becoming way too dependent on others in my life. My sister is the youth leader and I am happy making no decisions and doing what she says as a youth volunteer. My brother in-law is the worship leader, and would rather just sing melody than take a more leading role on the team. I am Pastor Nick's daughter, someone's sister, someone else's aunt. I have my master's but my sister edited everything, therefore she deserves at least the same credit if not more. And this goes on and on. It seems God has decided that is not okay and that my dependence should be fully in Him.

This isn't the first time that God has pointed this out to me, but I can tell it is very serious this time. Want to know how I know? Well, He up and moved me across the world where I am without any of the things I can depend on, with out any of the things that form my identity. I am left here in a country of over 1 billion people, to figure out who I am when it is 'just me' and to remember that the only person/thing I can depend on is the one who created me, God.

I in no way feel that God is saying that any of the things I do are wrong, or that any of my relationships are bad, but rather I have idolized them and needed them more than I have needed Him. I fully feel called to be on worship team, to help with youth group, to be on committees, to be an aunt, to be a sister, a friend, a daughter. BUT and that is a big but, I feel that God is saying you could do 'Infinitely More' if I depended on Him to be the source for which I rely on to do and be those things. If I was in constant communication with God, I would have so much more to give. I would be able to be a better friend, a better youth mentor, a better sister and daughter, a better aunt, a better worship team member. And so in this year ahead it is clear that God has called me to shift my dependence, from earthly things that are not dependable to the One who is, has been, and forever will be.

It's true that since being in India, I have been feeling rather naked, vulnerable. I am unsure of who I am when there is nothing on the outside defining me. I understand why it is taking moving across the world to see this, because being anywhere near those people or things the define me would hold me back, because of my own fears. God has never given me a reason to be afraid, to not put all my faith in Him, and now He is asking me to put my money where my mouth is, and so here I am. I have always been self conscious, a level of worthlessness has always plagued me, I have always needed a security blanket, and what happens now that I don't have one? I have 10 more months to find out, to explore who God has called me to be, to become a greater me, to step 'beyond anything I can imagine'. This is hard, and somedays I try to cling to anything that feels familiar here to replace my missing security blanket, but then I am trying to be intentional about praying and asking God to be the thing I seek dependence in.

I heard from my sister that the sermon she preached last week spoke to all of this. How a shepherd when one of his sheep continues to wander the shepherd breaks the little ones legs, and carries it everywhere it goes until it is healed and able to follow the correct path. I heard that even after the lamb is healed that whenever it comes to a place that it is unsure of it looks back at the shepherd and if the sheep is unable to manage the shepherd carries them over the new terrain. I began crying, literally crying. I feel like that sheep, I felt a comfort. The day I landed here, my legs are broken and I have only made it a month because my Shepherd is carrying me, and He still is. And to know that even if later on there are hard times, or rough days my Shepherd will carry me through still. I long for the day when I am able to walk again on my own, with God walking behind me, proud I am going the right way. But I am also enjoying spending time in the arms of my Shepherd, learning who I am and where I am going.

The other area that concerned me is, what happens when I go home. How does the newly found 'me' integrate back into life. I can't be scared of the things that are coming though, the same way that the disciples had been brought to a mountain top, and then instructed to go back down and use what they learned, so is this year. This year is my mountain top, a year to learn from God directly, to be in His great presence. And like the disciples I will want to stay in His presence, but I know that at the end of the experience I will have to go down the mountain and live my life differently so that others may see.

This is a lot, I have been wrestling with it for a couple weeks, and will probably continue to wrestle with it. I pray though that I just rest in the arms of my Shepherd, and that I learn all He has for me. I pray the same for you. I pray that your dependency is placed in Christ and not in the things you are doing or the people supporting you. While none of those things are bad, they are only good because of the love and capabilities we have been given by the one who created us.

Please pray for me as I learn who I am when I am not defined by anything on the outside. Pray that God's will continued to be revealed in my life. Pray for the aftercare team, my team. Pray for the health of me and all other fellows and interns. AND let me know if there is anything I can be praying for you!

Thanks for following the journey <3

Nothing Profound, Just an Update on Life.

Friends and Family, I am sorry it has taken me so long to write. Since I left home, just under 2 weeks ago, my life has been a whirlwind. One filled with emotions, meeting people, settling in, learning to live in the present, and so much more. I wish so badly that each of you could be here with me, to understand and to see this country that I fell in love with years ago. That being said, I arrived here in India just about 24 hours after leaving Albany. It was the middle of the night, and I was able to meet 2 of my new roommates, a couple staff, and be brought to my new home for the year.

As soon as I walked into the apartment, the sudden onslaught of emotions was overwhelming, I started to realize how long I would be staying and how much I would miss home. I felt overwhelmed like I could barely make it to the next morning, let alone 11 months. Thankfully, I had internet and was able to reach home and talk to my dad and kaity, as I did several times over the next couple of days to talk through some of what I was feeling. Other than emotions, and a mishap with luggage (that was fixed pretty quickly) everything else continued to fall into place. I slept that first weekend, a lot, but also got to meet the other interns and fellows, eat papa john's (haha), and go to church.

On Sunday I decided that I should put away my clothes and begin to make my room feel like my home, and safe haven, that simple act started my transition into feeling settled. I started work on Monday, meeting some of the nicest and sweetest people I have ever had the pleasure of knowing. The peace I began to feel knowing that God has prepared this path for me, was beyond anything I had ever imagined. It seems crazy that the first 4 days were full of tears and to see how quickly that has changed, how life has already started to become a routine. A routine filled with morning Skype calls home, lunch with the fellows and interns, nights of relaxing, and a weekend of exploring. I have tried new things both food and adventure. I rode on the back of the scooter to work one day, and navigated myself home in an auto. This weekend I spent a whole day out and about, navigating myself around, with some fails, but an overall victory. I went shopping for kurta's, ordered food in, went to church, had lunch with some friends, went to a local market, and had some yummy ice cream. Oh I also got laughed at when I asked the store owner where the toilet paper was, and as the store owner laughed I pictured them thinking 'typical americans'. Life has become good here. I am not saying it's perfect, or that I don't miss home fiercely, nor do i live in denial of the fact that somedays will be harder than others. I am certain this is typical to a honey moon phase, and at some point fighting with auto drivers won't be as fun and exhilarating but rather just an obstacle to get somewhere. Truly though I am so thankful that I am beginning to feel a sense of 'home' here.

I want to say thank you to each one of you who has been praying for me, with out you I would not have made it this far. It is with your support and love that I am able to take each new day as it comes. Please continue to pray that God would work within me to enjoy the present, to not worry about tomorrow or the next month or next year. I want to fully enjoy this experience and to take everything I can out of it. I want to remember names and faces and I can only do that, when I am present in the moment. I pray all of you are well, and I look forward to seeing what God is doing in your life this year as well!