When your best friend knows you better than most.

Maybe it's that we have been friends since she was born. Or maybe that she has been one of the consistent things in my life. Maybe it's that even with our seasons of not talking, we picked back up where we left off. Maybe it's that we are not scared to be honest with one another. I don't know exactly how, but somewhere in the last 23 years my best friend has come to know me pretty well, probably better than I know myself. This was made most evident when on Christmas Eve as we exchanged gifts, she opened the box I gave her that was filled with letters for while I was gone, she smiled and nodded to a pile of letters, wrapped in a bow, that she was giving to me for while I was gone. Sure they weren't exactly the same, the sentiment though? perfectly the same.

With my gift, I gave her an activity, something that would remind her of our own hang outs for when she missed me most. I know that she is active and rarely likes to sit and do nothing, and I hope she stays that way but doesn't forget about our best friend dates, so I made sure she wouldn't. In true Shawna form though she knew what I needed, and I was allowed to open my first letter on Christmas Eve. She knew that 3 weeks before I leave, I was starting to question why I was going, and worrying about leaving everything I am invested in here at "home". Her handwriting is prettier, her thoughts more eloquent, but it is jaw dropping that we have grown to be so close our sentiments were the same. We were going to miss each other and that is okay, it's normal.

I'm not sure she wanted her letters to go public, and I don't want to share it all because it is so personal, but a part of one paragraph hit me so hard, and brought to words some of my feelings that I was having a hard time saying on my own ability. After talking about the tradition we as friends, and our families hold on Christmas Eve she said, "It's tradition. It's what we do. Our families brought us up on traditions because they give us pride in our roots. Your roots are here, in New York, but your branches have the ability to stretch far and wide, and already have. I hope you hold in your heart our traditions - and that for the next year, this monthly letter becomes a new one.

It's true, my roots have been planted here, and they are so strong. They have kept me stable through storms and produced blossoms beyond my imagination. My branches have already stretched far and wide, but that hasn't changed that my roots, my base, it's here in New York. Those roots are full of tradition, of family, friends, church, community and there is no one that will be able to replace those things. But on the other hand my branches need to blossom at this time in my life. There are seasons to life, and some are harder than other, some produce greater harvest, but all seasons are full of learning and appreciation. It has been so great to see the outpouring of love from the people who have built and sustain my roots, and I am so appreciative that they want to see me blossom, that they aren't being selfish in their own needs, rather they are wise beyond their years knowing that God has called me to let my branches grow. I am so lucky to have a best friend, who knows me better than I know myself, who can see what I need, and who can put it into words that I struggle to find. I will always remember where I have come from and where I get to come home to. I will carry those traditions with me, always.

Simple Faith

It has come to my attention that the days are moving some what slowly, but my weeks and months are passing by in blurs. I wish I understood that phenomenon, and could find a way to level it out. But this post isn't about that, but rather about the last 7+ month journey I have been on.

I grew up in the church, faith was like second nature to me, accepting Christ was expected and being involved was something I loved doing. By the time I graduated high school I felt overwhelmed with my responsibility to religion, and unsure of all the things I had been taught and had learned. That isn't to say I no longer believed, but I had finally reached a point where my faith needed to truly become my own. How easy it would be if you could just decide that and than live comfortably the rest of your life. But in all honesty, I found that it was just the beginning of my journey in deciding what faith was for me. It wasn't really until I moved home after school, spent a year dillydallying, that I realized in my year of grad school, that faith was vital to me. It wasn't something I could separate from, or something I could talk about separately, because my faith was who I was.

During my year of graduate school, I began to understand the idea of being in a real relationship with Christ. I knew that I was supposed to hand my life over to Him, but in reality who actually does that on the first try and with out much reluctance? If you do, than that is awesome, but for me it was a struggle. I found myself wanting to talk to God more, wanting to spend time in His presence. The cheesy cliche's I grew up laughing at were becoming my reality. And it showed in my life. God was proving His faithfulness in my life, and I had no other option than to submit and follow where God lead.

This all leads me to this past April, when I decided to apply for an internship with IJM. I had a basic understanding of what I would be doing, I knew that I would be required to leave my family and friends and home for about a year, but I felt like it was where God was calling me. I didn't realize in the rash decision to apply that it took about 3 months for a decision to be made, with many interviews and essays in between. I didn't realize that I would have to raise thousands of dollars to support myself. I didn't realize all the little things I would have to tie up before I went, but as I started this process, slightly blind to what was coming, God was fully aware.

Things I don't do well at, and have never been great about, are finances and not planning the next step. But God totally knew those were my weak areas, and He saw fit that it was time for me to put my money where my mouth is and to believe His will for my life, even if it wasn't easy. I have always had the "next" thing planned in my life, whether it was a weekend trip, the classes I wanted to take, vacation I hoped to be on, I not only had a 5 year plan, I had a daily plan. So when I applied to IJM and I realized as graduation approached, and all my friends had job opportunities and "plans", I was left saying 'I am waiting and praying to see where my life goes next.' It was uncomfortable, it was hard, I got frustrated, but God used a lot of those times of frustration to teach me and show me, that He works when I fail. I have continued to have to wait, it has been 5 months since I accepted the position, and I don't leave for another 6 weeks, but God has continued to stay faithful.

Finances, I have never had a reason to worry about money. I didn't grow up in the richest house, I always had what I needed and often what I wanted. I traveled, I played sports (not well), I tried random hobbies, so why was finances always a struggle? My dad will tell you, it was passed down from him, and I tend to agree. He was able to take what my parents made (not much) and make it work for us. Although I was young when we struggled the most, this anxiety is still placed within me, and so when I was offered this fellowship my first issue was funding. How am I going to raise $24thousand dollars? How am I going to pay my student loans while I am gone? What about my car payment? And for every question I countered God with He gave me an answer. I don't know that this always happens, and often not the way we expect it, but I believe because I was willing to follow His will he was showing He would provide. My sister in law is taking my car for the year, my student loans are being paid for the year, and my family, friends, and church family have blessed me immensely with their willingness to hear God's call and support me. I am almost fully funded, and it seems any time I start to worry, God likes to joke with me and have an envelope waiting for me in the mail.

This journey that doesn't start until January, actually began a while ago. God has been faithful and provided. He has seen my weak spots and worked with me to trust Him. There are still the days when I worry about money, and I am sure that will never fully be fixed, but I am reminded of His steadfast love for me. I am reminded of it through the prayer and support of my friends and family and church. I feel so grateful for what I have already learned. I feel blessed to know that at the end of me and my abilities, there is a God so much greater than I to take over. And I know this coming year I will get to see Him in action in my life even more. So continue to join me on this journey!

Abigail

Random Rants

I haven't written in a while. Right now there isn't a ton to write about, seeing as I am still living in Ny, loving on my family and friends. Each new day things become even more real, as I prepare to leave. It seems life has kind of gotten away from me. Not that I haven't enjoyed my time over the last couple of months. I have really been intentional with my time, seeing people, talking to friends, giggling with my nieces and nephews, being random with my siblings. That's all I can really ask for is that my time before I go is used wisely, to make memories that I will hold on to when I am away. This Wednesday the countdown will be at 9 weeks, aka 63 days, that is slightly terrifying, knowing that Thanksgiving, Christmas, and New Years will happen before then, oh and I get to go to Nashville! Life doesn't really slow down, but I love it.

One of the things I have noticed is I have not begun to get nervous or anxious about leaving. I thought for sure by now there would be at least a little bit of apprehension, but so far none. That's not to say when a random night out with friends, or a cuddling session with my nephew, or a giggling fit with my sister occurs, I don't realize how much I am going to miss all of what I am leaving behind. It's just, something is so right about this, I have never felt so sure of something, not even my choice of college. I have been working to try and find a balance, because really all I want to do is talk about my journey, and my excitement and fears, and curiosities, but I also realize, that I am not the only person in the equation. Sure, I am the one leaving, the one headed for something different, and it seems self-centered to think, what about the people I am leaving. I want to say 'i am the one headed for the unknown, alone' but I realize that I do have a role here in good 'ol cohoes, one that I love, and it is true my absence will be noticed, and maybe life will have a new normal, where my added sassiness won't be as missed, but I sure hope everyone is waiting for it to return. I know that I am leaving people, and that it will be hard on them, just like it is to me. Maybe the overwhelming emotions will hit me soon, or maybe not until I am boarding the plane, or maybe not until 3 months in, I don't know to be honest. I know how right this is though, I know that it will be hard on more than just me, and so I hope my family and friends know that I appreciate their support, even though it is hard and semi-life altering on them as well. I am so blessed to have the people in my life I do, who don't hold me back, who push me to pursue my dreams, who trust God enough to say 'go do what you have been called to do, and we will be here supporting you and waiting with open arms when you return.' SO yes, I am working on finding a balance, and if at times it seems I haven't found it, tell me and love me anyways. I just want to share this with you, but I know I can be overwhelming on occasions = ].

I mostly write only when I have something pressing to say, and I didn't have a ton tonight, just random thoughts, but I want to stay connected with everyone. I also would like to ask for prayer. I need to apply for my visa shortly, and praying that goes smoothly. Also pray for my friends and family, the ones who will notice me gone on a daily basis, at least at first. I pray that they find comfort with each other, and remember how thankful I am for their willingness to encourage me in the. Lastly, prayer for the team already in India, and the other interns going with me in January, as we prepare mentally, physically and emotionally. (ps: yay my gallbladder came out before i went to India and yay it went well!)

worth.

As the months seem to be passing at an increasingly fast pace, I have begun to think about the work I will be doing while gone next year. Sure I always knew I would be working, doing things I love, learning things I didn't even know about, but the thoughts of moving far away for a year like a fairytale have begun to disappear and the truths about my new step in life are becoming more clear. Let me first assure you, or maybe myself, I am so excited for this opportunity, for the work I will be doing, for the love I will be giving and experiences receiving, but sometimes my human side starts to show. I have begun to worry, what if I look good on paper or in theory, but then I get there and I am not what they bargained for. Or what if I have the education, but my skills (only ever used in intern settings) aren't quite up to par. What if my writing isn't as good, and I only made it through school with the help of my sister and friends. What if I have just been tricking everyone. And then I use my logical side and remind myself that I am capable, that I am hard working, that I have a lot of worth and it is not held in my skills or lack there of alone.

I think people would be lying if they said they never felt nervous, anxious, or self conscious about looks, ability, etc. and maybe I am being too honest about my journey, but I have struggled with those feelings my whole life. What if I am just fooling everyone around me, and when they see the real me it will all be a joke. But then I have to remind myself that as a human, I fail, daily. And although I do have abilities, they are not because of me, they are usually in spite of me, and all because of the God that I serve. I have to remember that my worth is in nothing of this world, but fully found in my God, who saw me as worth it. He sent His son, gives me life, gave me the family that I have and the friends I have been able to meet. He has given my the gifts that he saw fit, and helped me make it this far in life. He gives me my next breath, and my deepest desires. He doesn't do it in a way where everything happens in a 90 minute hollywood movie, in fact it's been 23 years of struggles with myself to hear and follow His plan for me. But I finally feel as though I am in that place, and so when all those "what if's" and questions of worth come up, I feel confident in saying my worth is not whether I touch millions of peoples lives, my worth is not in whether I have the most passport stamps, or in the best therapeutic modalities, my worth is found in a God who is perfect, and loving, and wants me.

So as a declaration for myself I am herby proclaiming, though recognizing I will need reminders often, my worth is not in: money, education, abilities, amount I volunteer, looks, clothes, the car I drive, the amount of friends I have, the number on the scale,anxiety, the relationship I have with my family. My worth ALONE is found in Christ Jesus. And while many of the things on my list are blessings and I am so happy to have them here on earth, I know that all earthly things will pass, and I will still be worth something because God says so.

I ask that as I prepare to leave, and transition into a new routine and job, that you would pray for me to remember even when I am struggling, I am still worth something. To remember that everyone has a learning curve, that no one expects perfection, just passion and drive. Just pray that I continue to see my worth in Him and enjoy the rest as the extreme blessings that they are. And if you would like prayer, please let me know, I would love to be there any way I can.

Thanks for joining the journey <3

Follow me to South Asia (a letter to you my support)!

As most of you know, I am in the midst of a life-changing transition. In January, I will begin a one year fellowship in South Asia with International Justice Mission, a Christian human rights organization based in Washington, D.C. The decision is the culmination of several years of discernment about my next step professionally as well as personally. I am so excited for a position that seems to be an ideal fit for myself and the call I feel God has placed on my life. I will be working as a social work fellow, working along side those already in the field, helping in case management, and any other areas I am needed. I am excited to be able to utilize the skills and education that I have worked hard to earn over the last five years or so, but I am also excited to learn and further my skills in the field from those who have more experience.

International Justice Mission (IJM) is a human rights agency whose mission is to protect people from violent forces of injustice by securing rescue and restoration for victims and ensuring public justice systems work for the poor. For example IJM focuses on bringing freedom, protection, and care to the victims of sexual exploitation and forced labor. IJM partners with government authorities, utilizing laws in place that prohibit such activities, in order to combat sex trafficking and forced labor slavery and to provide freedom and restoration to each individual victim as well as making sure that each perpetrator is prosecuted for their crimes. In addition to providing rescue, and legal aide IJM works to partner with others to provide aftercare services for those rescued to ensure reintegration back into society is successful.

Although I have spent many years training in the area of social work with the hopes of working in this field, and I believe God has called me to move to South Asia, I know that I cannot do this work alone. I am writing this letter to ask you if you would join me in this yearlong adventure!

There are several ways in which I could use your support. First, these fellowships are unpaid. Living and working in South Asia for one year is estimated to cost around $24,000. This amount covers costs such as: international airfare, health insurance, visas, rent, food, and local transportation. I hope to raise the money by the end of December. (Information for supporting this way will be listed at the end of this entry!)

Second, for those of you who are praying people, I would much appreciate your prayers for me, for the IJM staff in South Asia, and for all those I will be serving. It is very important to me to have a large support system around me both before I go, as well as while I am away. If you would like to keep in touch please follow this blog for what I am doing to prepare as well as what I am doing while I am there, including updated prayer requests.

I would just like to say thank you in advance for whatever support you are willing and able to give. I look forward to sharing my experiences in India with you and I am so excited to have you join me in this next step!

***to donate online: https://secure3.convio.net/ijm/site/Donation2?idb=1515869785&df_id=1261&1261.donation=form1 (click the drop down menu, and select my name, Abigail TeBordo) to donate via a check: please mail a check made out to International Justice Mission (do not write my name ANYWHERE) and send it to my address 380 St. Agnes Highway, Cohoes, NY 12047 and I will see that it gets to IJM (all donations are tax exempt!)***

Again thank you for your support!

Abigail<3